TMIThursday: Choose Your Own Adventure: Poo-ban Legend
Aug 19, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, TMI Thursday's, Yum... or Lack There Of.
Hello my TMIT gluttons for punishment!
You know the drill… I blog about totally inappropriate shit… (sometimes literally) and sometimes, you throw up in your mouth a bit.
If you are interested in participating, reading more train wreck worthy blogs…
Click the pic below and enter the hub of TMI Thursday….
I was once told a story … an urban (poo-ban) legend if you will … about a man who had a run in with someone else’s poo. (i.e. some info may be a tad blurry… being as it was told to me a long time ago and I was just reminded of it last weekend)
This man was a hero to many … enemy to more than many. He sped through the streets, carpet cleaner in hand, ready to tackle the next house of nasty … to carpet clean. To tackle the nasties that form above and below the threads and carpet pads. He also had regulars who he would visit on a monthly basis, saving the day one square foot at a time. One of which was a bed-ridden man, who was morbidly obese and unable to do much for himself. Our hero was a compassionate man … so, occasionally if this bed-ridden customer needed something, he would help him out and get it for him.
Until this one fateful day.
This day started off as a normal day. The sun was shining, and life was as good as it could be at that time… and he was on his way to this bed-ridden mans house to clean his carpets. When he arrived, the man asked him to bring him a _____ (bucket of chicken, box of twinkies, a bottle of water… I dont know). So he smiled, (read: grimaced) and went to get him what he asked for.
However, on this day… he didn’t make it that far. Instead, he slipped and fell … his hands mushed into something that he knew was something his hands should have never ever touched in his whole life: It was a pile of this mans poo. In the middle of the floor. He had slipped ON it, and fell IN it. It was on his clothes and … all over his hands.
What did this man do? I dunno. I forgot.
But, since I am not good at remembering stories, this actually is NOT an epic FAIL on my part… it is a huge WIN for one of you. I have decided to leave this to you to end for me. As an incentive to play… I am throwing in an autographed copy of my book to the most inappropriate and creative ending. The winner will be decided among your peers in tomorrow’s blog.
(and of course, please feel free to share your similarly nasty or even completely off topic nasty TMIT’s)
Tags: carpet cleaning, morbidly obese, super hero, tmithursday, truck. poop
August 19th, 2009 at 20:33
not fair to the unimaginative…..lol I will try to think of something tomorrow
LivingWicked Reply:
August 19th, 2009 at 20:34
HA HA HA HA.
You know how to be vulgar! I have faith in you!
August 19th, 2009 at 20:56
I need to go wash just THINKING about falling in someone else’s poo! ICK!
LivingWicked Reply:
August 19th, 2009 at 21:53
HAHA
August 19th, 2009 at 21:08
I wonder if the dude asked him to make him a sandwich, and hero dude supplied it, clear down to the grey poupon. *snickers*
So there’s this old man that lives out in Mukilteo. My birth mom and my grandma both do house cleaning. Anyway, the old dude was almost fully blind and most certainly was beyond the point of needing an in home nurse. My mom and her husband arrived at the house to ‘clean’ it….and the sickness that awaited them was the most disgusting thing that they have yet to EVER see. Said blind man….had literally smeared feces upon EVER SINGLE SURFACE IN THE HOUSE. We are talking – Down the banisters, light switches, counters, stove, cupboards, doors, windows…..every.where. If they hadn’t of been paid a GRAND to clean the house….it never would have gotten done. THAT, my dear, is some SICK.SHIT.
LivingWicked Reply:
August 19th, 2009 at 21:58
OH MY GOD. That is the nastiest thing I have ever heard.
ALSO, LMFAO @ grey poupon.
spleeness Reply:
August 20th, 2009 at 21:00
OMG, I was in Mukilteo last NIGHT (traveling). And to think I could have smelled his house from the ferry. whew!
August 19th, 2009 at 21:52
He had slipped ON it, and fell IN it. It was on his clothes and … all over his hands. He felt his stomach churn and tried to stand up and run to the bathroom to puke. But alas! In his haste he moved too quickly and slipped on the poo again. His face slammed into the floor (and the poo) just as the vomit escaped from his mouth. Our amazing and awesome hero’s face is now covered in vomit and poo. Some of it may or may not have gotten into his mouth. However, because our hero is a kind man, he finishes cleaning the house before cleaning himself. Hours later, he finishes and is about to leave when he hears the bed-ridden man calling him. “Yes?” our hero asks, warily. “I’m sorry but I just had an accident in the bed” says the bed-ridden man. “Could you help clean up?” The smell of poo fills the room and our hero can see brown leakage seeping out from under the bed-ridden man. Ew. Diarrhea. But because our hero is indeed, a hero, he cleans the man, the sheets, and the bed. And then returns next month.
Yeah. I’m not creative. But I thought I’d give it a shot. I can’t believe I wrote that, ew. You bloggy folk are a bad influence on me!!
LivingWicked Reply:
August 19th, 2009 at 21:59
I am so impressed. And also think you are AWESOME for putting forth the effort.
August 19th, 2009 at 23:43
So after he gets up off the floor, he makes eye contact with the maker of the goo. The fat man leans over to the hero and sticks a pudgy finger into the Hero’s stained pants and licks it, while muttering ” I knew that pudding was around here some where!” then he hands the hero a bowl and says “When you go to the bathroom to clean up, can you place the excess in the bowl and place it in the fridge for later? The hero throw up a little in his mouth and grabs the bowl. He enters the bathroom dry heaving about this FAT Bastard and his insatiable appetite for shit. All the compassion and help the hero has provided flashed in his mind as he stared at himself in the mirror, covered in some other mans shit. Tiring of always being the good guy he unbuckles his pants and places the bowl beneath him. He finishes cleaning up and washes his hands. He sees the brown stains lingering on the hand towel and he yells to the fat man that the pudding is in the fridge and skips out the door feeling tens pounds lighter and with a huge grin.
LivingWicked Reply:
August 20th, 2009 at 08:20
OMG!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
August 20th, 2009 at 01:54
It was on his clothes… and all over his hands.
The man stood up slowly, being careful to avoid the poo as he placed his hands on the floor to help himself up. He considered for a moment claiming worker’s comp, faking a severe back injury that would keep him from ever cleaning another person’s mess. But he was a man with a conscience, and that conscience wouldn’t let him live on disability checks for the rest of his life. Neither would his wife, a woman who owned enough clothes to fill an entire house and still wanted more.
And there were his coworkers to think about. If he had to explain this story to them, any of them, employee discretion would be out the window. He would have to face his coworkers again and again, and none of them would ever let him live down the day his carpet cleaning career was ended by a puddle of poo.
Which, by the way, was still covering his body.
He proceeded to the bathroom and cleaned himself up. He was careful to breathe through his mouth and avoid looking in the mirror. He didn’t want to add to the mess that had to be cleaned. But when he heard the fat man fart from the bed, felt a little rumble on the floor beneath him, he almost lost his lunch. That bologna sandwich wasn’t nearly as good the second time around…
Somehow, he completed his job that day. He called off a few hours early, unable to face another house with another disgusting mess. Instead, he went to the gas station and bought a lottery ticket. The jackpot was only a few million, but that was enough. Then he went to his favorite bar…
…and got shitfaced.
LivingWicked Reply:
August 20th, 2009 at 08:28
YESSSSSSSSSSSS!
August 20th, 2009 at 04:21
[...] So go over there and have a ball! [...]
August 20th, 2009 at 04:25
[...] Living Wicked’s TMIThursday: Choose Your Own Adventure: Poo-ban Legend [...]
August 20th, 2009 at 04:28
(You asked for it.)
The man was covered in vile excrement, but how? The poor man was bed ridden.
The man got to his feet and noticed there were strange ragged hard sharp things in the huge pile of disgusting discharge. Someone or something maybe had digestion problems.
“What the f-” he managed to whisper when a closet door opened and an extremely old, naked woman covered in open sores came out of a closet. She was obviously blind.
She felt her way along the wall until she reached the pile of filth. She squated and her whithered hanging labia and strawlike grey pubic hair came to rest in the disgusting mess on the floor as her aging saggy breasts came to rest on her knees. She began to releive herself.
The man still way too close because he was frozen with fear instantly vomited and it splashed on the woman’s leg.
She called gently, “Who is there?”
The man felt a moment of voyeuristic shame but could only whisper “dear god…”
The old woman reached into her vagina pissing all over her old paper mache hand and pulled out an old rusty shaving razor causing blood to drip out of her almost forgotten sex, as she savagely lashed out and slashed the man’s throat.
She then squatted over him as he lie silently bleeding to death. Silent except for the gurgle of his shallow last breaths. The old lady relieved herself again this time blood oozing out as well.
From the invalid’s room came a boy-like voice. “Mom. Are you helping that nice young man?”
Helping him break down his body. Like the man from last winter, she thought.
The chimes rang on the clock. Her poor boy. Unable to do anything for himself. Time for his handjob.
LivingWicked Reply:
August 20th, 2009 at 08:30
Holy fuck this is nasty and twisted and … wow.
August 20th, 2009 at 05:09
in my head he screamed like a girl and ran out the door, arms waving about his head. They found him weeks later still huddled in his shower. He’s never been the same…
LivingWicked Reply:
August 20th, 2009 at 08:30
He really has never been the same since.
August 20th, 2009 at 05:41
As he lay there motionless for what seemed like 20minutes, (it was actually about 5 seconds), his mind wondered as to what happened and what this squishy, brown mess was. He knew the man was completly immobile, so how could he get way over here? He thought.
So without even thining, the man lifted his hand and gave it a lick…NO, he thought….thats deffinatly NOT chocolate.
As he began to gag, and the immage of himself licking the poo kept running thru his head, he jumped up and started to run to the bathroom. All the way down the hall, vomit surging deep from within, he bursted thru the bathroom door only to find the entire bathroom covered in poo as well. The odor was so pungent from the the poo coverd walls, sink and tub, he immediatly vomited all over himself and anything that was in his way. He slammed the bathroom door and turned to run…….when out of another door, a woman stepped out and slammed right into him, knocking them both to the floor.
The woman was large, almost as large as the bed ridden man, however, she was still able to walk. She had on nothing but a 3x too small t-shirt, cover in sweat stains and food drippings. Dripping bush encompassing her whole lower half. The carpet cleaner slowly started to get up, when the woman yells to the bed ridden man…”Honey, did you ake him about a three-some yet?” The carpet cleaner ran from the house, never to bee seen in that town again. Some say he now lives alone in the mountains of Montana…….
LivingWicked Reply:
August 20th, 2009 at 08:32
Donna this is GREAT. I love it.
DonnaY Reply:
August 20th, 2009 at 08:41
Ya, I thought you would!
Its frickin AWESOME and I want you book BBBBAAAAADDDD!
Loves~!
LivingWicked Reply:
August 20th, 2009 at 08:50
Well it is up to the commenters votes. I will have them posted tomorrow for voting!
August 20th, 2009 at 06:16
And then he licked it.
EWWWWWWWWWWWWW
LivingWicked Reply:
August 20th, 2009 at 08:33
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
August 20th, 2009 at 07:19
He slowly stood up, picked up a handful of poo, calmly walked over to the obese man and shoved it in his mouth…choking him to death with his own shit.
LivingWicked Reply:
August 20th, 2009 at 08:33
Did he go to jail for the murder of the bedridden man?
August 20th, 2009 at 08:34
dammit all to hell! i want that book! but i have no creative bone today… so…. ugh… oh well… love you anyway
LivingWicked Reply:
August 20th, 2009 at 08:50
You have allllllllllll day to think about it.
Cassi Reply:
August 20th, 2009 at 17:03
ok I got nothin. DAMMIT!
how about you just send me the signed book cause you LOOOOVE me???
ok how about this deal… as soon as I publish my book *ahem* then I, Cassandra Lea Bursich, solomly swear to send YOU, Courtni Kenyon-George the very first copy, signed with my John Hancock. Deal?
No??
LivingWicked Reply:
August 20th, 2009 at 18:52
Er…?
Cassi Reply:
August 20th, 2009 at 20:07
lmao! ok ok, I will buy another one, you twisted my arm.. sheesh! lol
August 20th, 2009 at 12:28
However, since this man was our hero, he was more concerned with the fact that the poo was on his cape. Standing slowly careful not to get anymore of his costume in the excrement, he whipped around to the man and pointed a poo-smeared gloved finger toward his pudgy face. “YOU, you will rue the day I fell in your poo!” With that the man laughed his cheeks turning rosy and his belly jiggling, a strange reminder of Santa Clause… “You’re a cleaning man!” the old man shouted, “you would think you’d notice shit on the floor before you slipped in it.. So, will you still pick up that box of twinkies for me??”
Our hero’s shoulders sagged slightly as he glanced into a mirror across the room, viewing the brown smears on his purple suit. “You have a point, what kind of superhero am I? Maybe I should transfer into villainery, mother always said I had a sadistic streak… Damn woman always pushing me. ‘Larry, become a dentist darling!’.” He rolled his eyes at the thought. Suddenly, a strange freakish euphoric grin flashed across his dark features. As he moved toward the man a violent rage displayed on his face he heard a strange booming… He stopped mid-stride cocking his head to the side. “What is that?”
It reverberated through the residence rocking the pictures hung precariously on the walls… There was a high pitched scream and our superhero turned villain was no more.
Some say a tyrannosaurus rex came out of the closet and ate him, others say the fatman had a mutant dog that devoured our hero. Personally I think the bastards sled squashed him and the reindeer buried him in the backyard amongst the daisies.
LivingWicked Reply:
August 20th, 2009 at 13:27
A t-rex… huh? Not a TRANNY? BWAAAAAAAAHHAAHAHAHA
Dre Reply:
August 20th, 2009 at 13:58
DAMNIT! I now wish I would have said tranny… “some say a tranny came out of the closet and DEVOURED him” lmao
LivingWicked Reply:
August 20th, 2009 at 14:02
LMFAO!
August 20th, 2009 at 12:47
The man sat still on the floor, staring uncomprehendingly at his feces-smeared hand. “What the fuck,” he spat. “There’s, there’s, there’s shit on your floor!”
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry,” the fat man said. “My girlfriend must have spilled that when she was emptying my bedpan this morning.”
Girlfriend? The carpet cleaner wondered to himself. How could a 600 pound bed-ridden man have a girlfriend while I, an attractive guy with my own business can’t even get a date. What kind of psycho must she be?
The evil smell wafting from his hand distracted him from his mental musing and he rose and asked if he could clean up in the bathroom he could see through the open door. The fat man encouraged him to use anything he needed and offered the use laundry facilities as well. “They are somewhere in the direction of the kitchen,” he said, “I haven’t been in there but I know they work. My girlfriend loves to do my laundry for me. I’d offer you some clothes, but I only have enormous pajamas.”
The rug rubber wondered about this mystery woman as he scrubbed in the bathroom, stripped down to his tighty whities and found the washer and dryer. Since he was stuck in the house until his clothes were wearable, he figured he may as well clean up the mess. The fat man continued to be apologetic and shamed by the mess while the shag shampooer worked. “Anything I could ever do for you, please just ask,” he said. “I will figure out a way to make this up to you.”
The floor finisher told the fat man not to worry and made some small talk to cover his awkwardness about cleaning the floor in his underwear. He talked a little about this own dismal romantic life and then turned to the subject he was so curious about. “I’ve been wondering about your girlfriend. What kind of girl is she?” He asked, diplomatically, wanting to hear about how desperate and hideous a woman must be to date a Jabba the Hut look-alike.
“Elena is a beautiful angel,” the fat man gushed. “We were engaged before my medical condition diagnosed. Before I became this blob of flesh you see. I keep encouraging her to go find someone else, but she won’t hear of it. I can’t even have intercourse anymore. I don’t know why she stays,” he trailed off sadly.
Wow. Slightly ashamed of himself, the wall-to-wall washer finished the cleaning and went to check on his clothes. As he approached the laundry room he could hear a low-pitched moaning over the noise the washing machine. Alarmed, he quickly turned the corner to see . . . a stunning woman with her eyes closed and her hand inside the waistband of her denim cutoffs sitting atop the appliance, taking obvious enjoyment from the machine’s agitation. At that moment the woman clenched her shapely thighs and moaned louder while furiously rubbing inside her pants. Then, as if she sensed his presence, her eyes flew open.
“Oh, my goodness, you must be the nice man Darrin called me about. He told me I should hurry over and help you with your laundry,” she said with a dazzlingly sexy smile, apparently unruffled by being caught masturbating on a major appliance.
“That’s really nice of you, and him,” our hero stammered, “but I can handle it. I’ve been doing my own laundry for a long time.
“That’s what Darrin said,” she purred, “but I really want to help.” With that, she jumped lightly from her perch and walked toward him, pulling off her tight cropped tee to expose perfect, pert breasts that she immediately pressed against his bare chest as she wrapped her arms around his neck. “Darrin says you are a true gentleman and hopefully you can help us with a little problem we have, while getting the reward you so richly deserve.”
And they all lived happily ever after, except the fat man, who quietly passed away due to his mysterious medical condition and left his house with its sparkling clean carpets and his secret vast fortune to Elena and her berber brushing boyfriend.
Note: I could have gone into greater detail, especially at the end there, but I am at work, and I should be writing something boring and technical, but I couldn’t resist. I read the preview of your book, and I would be thrilled to win a copy and finish reading it, preferably aloud to that cute guy I sleep with!
LivingWicked Reply:
August 20th, 2009 at 13:29
Wow. You turned it into somethin beautiful.
August 20th, 2009 at 14:19
Poor guy deserved a happy ending! And I figured, considering the prize, there should be some sex in it . . .
LivingWicked Reply:
August 20th, 2009 at 14:57
Agreed.
Good luck!
August 20th, 2009 at 16:04
What did he do?
Well, he did what anyone should do when life hands you poo.
You make poo-monade.
An oddly satisfying drink.
Sadly, Jim never was good at remembering those old sayings, and later died of e-coli poisoning.
LivingWicked Reply:
August 20th, 2009 at 18:51
Bwaaaaaaaahahahahaha. Is it iced? or hot?
August 20th, 2009 at 19:54
….a pile of this mans poo. In the middle of the floor. He had slipped ON it, and fell IN it. It was on his clothes and … all over his hands.
The Carpet Cleaner belted out the loudest laugh he’d ever had startling the Obese man who promptly grabbed at his sweaty man boob with shock and awe sketched over his face. Meanwhile the Our hero is still laughing and hasn’t noticed that his client is having a little afternoon cardiac arrest.
Oblivious and still chortling to himself about his predicament, the Hero says out loud to nobody in particular: ” How the fuck did that bed-ridden bastard manage to get his 700lb ass out of that bed and squat this far away to take a shit on the floor?”
The Obese man is at this point clutching at his chest in abject fear as his fat, cream-filled life is playing back before his eyes as his body rejects him one last time.
Our Hero is finally snapped out of his reverie by his clients extra activity and dashes to the side of the bed. Because he’s Our Hero he begins CPR on the man, first checking the airway then listening for breathing and finally by starting heart compressions.
As the Obese man lurches to life, he realizes that not only is he not dead but that he is covered in his own shit. Our Hero meanwhile hangs up the phone annoucing that the paramedics were on their way.
As the Obese man begins to thank him, Our hero interrupts: “Since I saved your life just now, I believe you owe me some answers.” The Obese man looks curiously at Our hero and blubbers: “Anything! Thank You for saving my life!” “Fine. Fine. that’s all well and good Buddy but tell me HOW the fuck your shit managed to wind up way over there on the floor when there’s an overflowing bedpan and you clearly haven’t left this bed in more than a year.”
The Obese man shakes his head and looks down in shame as he slowly says: “I threw it over there so you’d have to come out and clean it up.” “What?!” Our Hero shouts. “Why would any sane person throw their own feces around in their house. Is this a fetish thing or something?”
The Obese man replied “No, I was really lonely and needed someone to talk to. I haven’t left my bed in a year, I’m dressed in the same clothes when I got into this bed and I shit in a bucket. I’m a fat piece of shit and ruined any chance at a real life. I wanted your company and needed an excuse.”
Our Hero says nothing for a minute. Trying to understand what this man’s life must be like but as he stands there the smell of the greasy, sloppy turds that decorated his body and hands reminded him of just how bad his own day had gone and why.
Our Hero looks down into the the Obese man’s eyes making note that he was also covered in brown warpaint from his cheeks to chest. Our Hero says” Buddy, from one friend to another, you need to eat more fiber.”
With that Our Hero strips naked, goes to the bathroom to wash his hands and face, then walks out the front door dropping an invoice for his work on the still steaming pile of shit in the middle of the floor.
LivingWicked Reply:
August 20th, 2009 at 22:20
oh this rules.
August 20th, 2009 at 20:32
[...] Hello my TMIT gluttons for punishment! You know the drill… I blog about totally inappropriate shit… (sometimes literally) and sometimes, you throw up in your mouth a bit. If you are interested in participating, reading more train wreck worthy blogs… Click the pic below and enter the hub of TMI Thursday…. I was once told a story … an urban (poo-ban) legend if you will … about a man who had a run in with someone else’s poo. (i.e. some info may be a tad blurry… being as it was tol Read On…Carpet Cleaning [...]
August 24th, 2009 at 06:31
Poop is funny…there is just no way around that fact…