Starts with the Letter D.
Aug 2, 2009 All Things X, Family, Friendship, I Forgot to Tag, The Tarably Wicked Show, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms, love
I don’t talk a lot about it.
I honestly prefer to live inside this silly bubble where it doesn’t exist.
Unfortunately though, it does.
Up until I was about 19, I had never had a personal experience with losing someone close to me. In high school, our class lost a fellow student… and I heard through the grapevine of a couple of others as the years have passed… but I didn’t really have a personal connection to any of them… so it wasn’t the same feeling.
When my uncle passed, I had a hard time processing. My grieving process is to just numb up as if I did a dip in a pool of Novocaine. I wore my dress blues to his memorial service. He was a vet too. I thought he would be proud of me to see me in them.
And then my grandmother died. My mom’s mom. She died the day that X was born. I haven’t ever stopped to really grieve her loss. She was sick for so long that I think that it was well past her time. She needed relief from all of the oxygen treatments and medicines that she had to take for her to even had been with us for as long as she was. I really miss her though. I wish I could’ve had the opportunity to say good-bye to her.
When my Papa passed, it broke me. Like, down on one knee, grab my chest broken. I felt as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest. He was my hero. I barely remember the service. I just remember thinking that I didn’t even get to talk to him like I had been meaning to. I just wanted to talk to him. It has been almost 6 years since he passed and it still aches to think about it. (or has it been almost 7? Jen help me out here.) Regardless, I miss him every single day.
As cold as it sounds, I was relieved when my Nana passed. She was so heartbroken and sick. We had no idea how bad her Alzheimer’s was until Papa died. When i was growing up, she had this glow around her. Her eyes sparkled when she smiled. Her laugh was infectious. The last time I saw her, she was dull. Her eyes were not familiar to me. All she wanted was to be with him. And I was so happy when she finally was given that opportunity.
This last year has been odd for me. My best friend has dealt with the loss of 3 people. Each of them were really really close to her. My hurt comes from seeing her broken. I didn’t know the first 2 who passed away. Saturday morning though, we both lost a friend. I met him through her probably a year ago, but just recently had we really hung out outside of the bar setting. He met my kids. They adored him. I immediately loved him. He was this big teddy bear with such a handsome smile, you kinda had no choice but to love him.
He was one of Tara’s best friends. Part of her extended family. He had a daughter. He was surrounded by so much love that it is hard to understand why he was taken away from it at such a young age. He was one of my newest friends. I really enjoyed the fact that he didn’t put up with Tara’s shit … but he did at the same time. This fact played into many fits of uncontrollable laughter.
Seeing Tara broken yesterday … and today … broke my heart. I will miss him too, but it isn’t the same. She is a hot mess of devastated and there isn’t a single word I can say to make her feel better. I don’t know what I am feeling. I don’t know how to feel.
Does length of time knowing someone matter in defining the way losing them affects you?
I don’t know the answer to that. What I do know is that I feel a empty place inside of me. I am not a fan of this feeling. Not even a little bit.
I know that I wish I knew him better. I will miss not having had the opportunity to do that. Or telling him that.
All I could think about yesterday was that I couldn’t imagine losing a best friend. I just kind of expect that they all are gonna just be here. That, I can pick up the phone and call each of them at any time of day and they will pick up and that will be that. Him dying, so unexpectedly and so tragically, reminded me of the fact that we are all not indestructible. No matter how awesome we are, how much love we have surrounding us, when it is our time … it is just that.
I shouldn’t play pretend anymore because it sucks when reality overlaps in my game of eternal life.
With that said, I just want to remind you all that you need to make amends. You need to look at the relationships you have and let them all know you love them. They may make you angry. They may disappoint. The choices that they make could be choices that you don’t agree with. But they are in your life for a reason. Make sure that you let them know that reason. Otherwise, you might not have the opportunity to do so.
If tears could build a stairway,
And memories a lane,
I’d walk right up to Heaven
And bring you home again.
~Author Unknown
Tags: death, dying, Family, Friendship, i love you, i miss you, memory
August 2nd, 2009 at 10:34
Hate is easy. Love takes courage.
LivingWicked Reply:
August 2nd, 2009 at 10:41
This is so true. <3
August 2nd, 2009 at 10:36
I love you. I’ve experienced so much loss in my life, yet I still never feel prepared for that gut spilling ache when it comes.
There are no ‘rules’ about caring for someone. When we make connections, they are just that, and we are plugged in. When the source of joy that was brought to our life is suddenly gone, it does leave us reeling. It escapes me, as death is an inevitable part of life, yet one that we are so ill equipped to deal with.
I’m sorry. I know you’re hurting. I’m sending love and healing thoughts to you and Tara and this fine man’s family. May happy memories see you through this hard time.
ILYBM.
LivingWicked Reply:
August 2nd, 2009 at 10:43
I agree that no one is ever prepared. I feel like I should practice being more prepared. Like calling everyone on my list every day or something.
August 2nd, 2009 at 10:43
court sweetie I am so sorry. sending positive energy and many hugs.. xoxox hug those little babies of yours..their hugs always make things better.. <3 <3 <3
LivingWicked Reply:
August 2nd, 2009 at 10:47
They totally do make things better hon. Thanks for the loves.
August 2nd, 2009 at 10:45
I love you lady. You have impacted my life, and that of my children, in such a profound way, tho we have not met yet in the physical world. I can only hope you have the strength to be the shoulder for your Tarable .. and that the day will come for us to meet face to face. There are no words… only love. <3
.-= Jody´s last blog ..Vortex =-.
LivingWicked Reply:
August 2nd, 2009 at 10:48
And you mine. I am amazed at the connections I have made without face to face contact… and still feel connected with such a depth.
I am trying to be that shoulder. I was a bit relieved when she went home this morning. I needed a weak moment… ya know?
Love you.
August 2nd, 2009 at 11:29
*hugs and love*
I know these losses all too well…and the lingering ache they leave behind. Knowing you the way I do, I have a strong sense of how this impacts you…but not necessarily exactly.
Just love…endless, unconditional love.
LivingWicked Reply:
August 2nd, 2009 at 11:53
Thanks. Love you too.
August 2nd, 2009 at 11:44
Thank you Courtni. I know I am a mess, but I would be worse without you and D. I love you and thank you for being my shoulder.
LivingWicked Reply:
August 2nd, 2009 at 11:54
You already know it wouldnt have gone down any other way.
I had to get it out, you know?
August 2nd, 2009 at 11:46
*hugs*
LivingWicked Reply:
August 2nd, 2009 at 11:54
Thanks.
August 2nd, 2009 at 13:15
I experienced a lot of loss fairly young … as a child I experienced the loss of 2 great grandparents and my Dad’s Aunt (who was only 45 and who I was very close too) then when I was 12 my uncle, who was only 27, who I loved more then anyone, that one broke me, and left me broken a long time… then 9 years ago, my grandmother, one week the picture of health, the next she woke up blind and was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumour, on her 75th birthday no less… 3 months later she was gone, she held on though, she almost died on my Mum’s birthday (her daughter), but she held on for 3 more days… I think that was her final gift to her youngest girl.. I was broken all over again… and 9 years later I still cry for her sometimes… when my Grandfather died a few years back it was a relief because of his alzheimers, and yet it brought me to my knees, I was heading to an appointment when I got the news, nothing important, but I went anyway, didn’t let myself think about it, but the minute I walked back in my front door it hit me in giant waves, I fell, literally fell, to my knees in the entryway to my house and sobbed for almost an hour.. because I hadn’t been to see him… I hadn’t said goodbye…
I don’t think there are rules for grief, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve known a person, a commection is a connection and the loss of that hurts…
I am so sorry for yours and Tara’s loss…
LivingWicked Reply:
August 2nd, 2009 at 16:52
Thanks for sharing… and showing love.
August 2nd, 2009 at 13:44
I have a big loss I still deal with, but length of time doesn’t matter really. In 10th grade I knew this girl only a few months, very sweet, funny gal, everyone liked her. She had just gotten her drivers license, enjoying her freedom she took her families car out for the first time alone and went out on the highway, very inexperienced, and had a fatal accident. Just 17 years old. I often think about her, and find it hard to realize I knew her such a short time.
LivingWicked Reply:
August 2nd, 2009 at 16:53
Wow. That is so tragic. Such a young age.
August 2nd, 2009 at 17:43
hey Court,
I’m soooo sorry. i just wanted to tell you and Tara I love you both! and i”m sorry.
I know how you feel about not knowing how to feel. Thats where I’m at about my grandma. I wish I could have been around more and gotten to know her. and her gotten to know Gab. I’ll always carry that guilt.
Well I love you guys! I call tomorrow.
LivingWicked Reply:
August 2nd, 2009 at 17:45
Hey you.
I will pass on the message to Tara, I know that she will appreciate it.
I hope that we can get together this week. I miss you. And love you.
Jenn Reply:
August 2nd, 2009 at 18:15
love and miss you both!
August 2nd, 2009 at 18:35
When my Grandpa passed, I was relieved, because he was sick for so many years that to me he was not Grandpa anymore. The mourning for him had been done 15 years before he actually passed on. But I still feel that ache when I think about him being gone. During his funeral I caught myself many times feeling regret that I didn’t even try to stay close to him during his final years and it was purely because I hated seeing him so weak… just a shell of the Grandpa I adored as a child. When he was no longer that man, I shut down and stopped trying but it was never intentional, it’s just how I am. And now, my mother, who I am not close to and in fact harbor a lot of resentment toward, as you well know, recently had surgery. I never went to see her at the hospital, I was too busy being angry at her for the guilt trip she was laying on me but I finally went to see her when she got home, barely able to breathe and obviously in pain and when she described how her oxygen was dropping really low at night, it suddenly hit me that she could die very soon and something in me broke. I don’t know how to have the feelings I have, which are legitimate and I’m not going to let her get away with her wrongdoings just because she’s ill, yet… well… how can I stay angry when I could lose her? I don’t want to have that regret when she goes, like I had with Grandpa, but I honestly don’t know how to do what you say there at the end. So I’m conflicted, which makes me even more angry with her because she’s the reason I’m this way.
Well, I got carried away there. I never know how to handle someone else’s loss. I want to tell you that I’m sorry but I know that doesn’t help. Yet, I am.
LivingWicked Reply:
August 2nd, 2009 at 19:35
I think that it is extremely admirable that you are able to look past all of the bullshit and see that, beyond anything else… she is your mom.
Good for you. I hope that you mend something with her so that there are no what if’s when she is gone.
<3
August 2nd, 2009 at 19:41
I have faced loss a few times in my life, & find that it is NEVER easy. To, though, the folks that I have loved & lost a re not really gone…as long as I remember them, they’ll live forever in my heart.
LivingWicked Reply:
August 2nd, 2009 at 19:43
That is a refreshing way to view it.
Thanks for that.
August 2nd, 2009 at 20:14
Papa died in 2002, so it’s been almost 7 years. I remember b/c I moved to Phoenix about 3 weeks later. I wonder if you even remember speaking at his funeral?? I remember how out of it we all were, he was the glue in our family, you know?
I understand about Nana. I think we all felt the same way. The way you described her, though… god, I wish pictures could have captured that. The sparkle, the laughter, the joy, the love that she woke up with every single day. I didn’t get to see her after Papa died, and part of me is incredibly thankful for that, because I would hate to carry those memories with me.
After Dad died, I think I slept for a week. It was very numb for me, as well. I dealt with it the best I could, but was so different from the rest of my family because they had been dealing with it firsthand and I had checked out to go to college. A piece of me still carries a lot of anger toward Mom for how she dealt with things after he died, but I won’t get into that now. I’ve tried moving on from it. I carried around a huge amount of guilt that I only resolved a few years ago, thinking that I had caused his death by getting him sick… totally irrational but that was how I responded to the whole thing. I think today, I don’t really think about it unless someone asks specifically about it… such as the Vietnam vet at the county fair who I started talking to while waiting for Ethan on a ride. It’s just part of the past, and I am so focused right now on moving forward that I forget how rare it is at my age to have lost my father. The only thing I wish was that he could have met the kiddos… he would have been the best grandpa
But they have Grandpa Ken now and I won’t be petty and take that away from them… every kid deserves to have grandparents and my family are the only ones they will have.
Now I’m all teary and and sad. Thanks a lot :/ (just kidding) Just remember that time truly does heal the wounds but the amount of time varies every time. Let it out, don’t hold it in – wisdom from personal experience. There are lots of grief/loss groups through hospice organizations, hospitals, and churches that are free or very cheap. Look into what’s around you and print it out from her – it’s probably not something she will think of but in time she will likely appreciate it. Sending lots of good thoughts your way.
Jen Reply:
August 2nd, 2009 at 20:16
and i found several typos – i wish i could edit! i got sidetracked putting kids to bed. I meant print out the list FOR her. I’m sure you got that. LOL
LivingWicked Reply:
August 2nd, 2009 at 20:23
I thought that I remembered speaking. But, you know the recreated memories that your brain tricks you with in these stressful times?
Yeah, because it was so foggy… I didn’t wanna make an ass by saying that I did and did not actually do so.
Do you remember anything that I said?
I am gonna make some prints of pics that I have and mail them to you. I have some that I was supposed to from our last discussion about them. I acquired a great deal of her WAVE stuff, and there are some great pics in it. I will pick some out and scan them, okay?
Sorry to make you sad, I just dont deal with this very well… and I reeeeally needed to get all of it off of my mind. I will print them not only for her but for me.
<3 Thanks.
Jen Reply:
August 2nd, 2009 at 20:35
I don’t remember a whole lot of what you said but that could be because you were bawling your eyes out. I don’t even know how you made it to the podium, but no one else in our family was getting up and I think the preacher running the whole thing started to give us all a funny look, like “hey, all the friends have said something, shouldn’t the family???”
I’ll be very happy to have the pictures… I never really got any of that kind of stuff. Not sure if it just never made it to Mom (since I was in Phoenix) or if she just hasn’t passed it on. Mom carries a lot of anger and crap toward your parents for a multitude of reasons and therefore makes it impossible to ask her about any of this stuff. It just turns into a giant argument and I’m sick of rehashing all that crap. I’m glad I can just email them directly to ask instead of going through mom.
LivingWicked Reply:
August 2nd, 2009 at 20:44
Yeah, the feelings are definitely mutual there. It is a sore spot and I avoid the subject at all costs.
I am pretty sure my mom was so relieved when there wasn’t an ulterior motive behind your visit. I think she was a bit apprehensive.
Whatever. Drama.
I will get them done in the next couple of weeks. I am gonna need your address tho. Email it to me.
Jen Reply:
August 2nd, 2009 at 20:50
OH NO please tell her there was no motive, just so happy that I could finally see them!!! And to get that stuff, obviously, I am sure they were tired of storing it. Now it can sit in my closet instead of theirs! I feel bad b/c I think I forgot to show them pics of the kids and I totally spaced it. Oh well. Next time.
LivingWicked Reply:
August 2nd, 2009 at 20:55
Definitely. Next time I wanna be in town, dammit. And we should get the kids together. They would love to play.
MommaK Reply:
August 16th, 2009 at 09:30
Hi to the both of you!
First of all, Pat & I were happy to see you! Just so you know that.
Now, whatever is your mom’s issue is on her and we refuse to get dragged down by that crap. It’s time to grow up and life goes on. All I have to say is life is too short and time is too precious to spend it on trivia b.s. My God, how old is she? Sorry, but “realllly”…. The other thing is, we sent out emails letting everyone know that we had stuff and if they wanted something, to come and get it. We sent reminder emails…and after a long period of time, we boxed the stuff up and it is safely in the closet. So your mom failed to tell you that obviously…Jen, really…let us move on to the great relationship that we can have. I know for a fact that Pat is really happy that he got to meet up with ya. We would like to hook up with Mike…we had his email but then when he moved to Spokane, we lost contact.
So…that’s all I have to say about that…
If you’re in this neck of the woods, give us a buzz…you can come out to the ranch!! Lots of space for kids to run around and be crazy!
But if you don’t like flies (Courtni was not happy with the flies and bugs when she was out here last weekend) then, I don’t know…we can work something out. We live in a farm area…lots of cows, horses, buffalo…you name it, we got it out here.
Anyway…good to hear from ya, hope all is well!
Love,
Kelli
August 3rd, 2009 at 05:41
Ugh this blog made me cry. I am half way thru writing a blog about this very thing that I will be posting later today… maybe you will read it and understand. I am so sorry that Tara has had to go through this. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. My stomach is sick with thinking of death and life being short. It has consumed me for several days now. Ugh.
LivingWicked Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 07:45
I always read it.
I just dont always comment.
Cassi Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 10:26
oh. didn’t know that.
August 3rd, 2009 at 05:42
ps.. i love the new page… its PERFECT for you
LivingWicked Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 07:49
Thanks. Meeeeeeeee too.
August 3rd, 2009 at 05:44
Friday night I lost my, well I guess you would say my stepfather, Gary. He and my mom lived common law together from when I was 3 to 13. In the years after, he and I remained close until he started getting sick with prostate cancer. He was ashamed so he withdrew.
When I finally found out, I took him to the hospital and spent hours just sitting with him. When his treatment was done and he was released, he moved away to his parents house (who never liked my family). I was busy with my wedding and with life so I didn’t make the full effort I should have to see him. But I constantly thought of him.
I said goodbye to him Friday. I’m pretty sure it was the most horrible thing I’ve ever seen. Even though his whole family was there in the room watching, I told him I loved him.
His wake is this afternoon and funeral tomorrow. I’m gutted and heartbroken. I really want to give a Eulogy but I don’t think they will let me. I’m writing one anyways.
I don’t think there’s anything I wish I could say to him. I just wish I had more time to spend with him. Even mundane things like talking about music or cars or watching TV with him. Just be with him, that’s it.
LivingWicked Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 08:05
I read your updating status change last week.
I am sorry for your loss. If you need anything, I am here babe. You can call or IM or whatever.
August 3rd, 2009 at 07:42
Unfortunately I have been through a lot of friend’s deaths. However, the hardest one was when my best friends sister died…having to watch the woman I love more than other hurt in that way was devastating.
Hugs to you and To Tara.
LivingWicked Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 08:05
It really is devastating to see someone’s heart break like that.
August 3rd, 2009 at 09:01
I don’t know what to say about losses like that. I have had a few, and I tried to help Good & Evil deal with my Dad’s death. It’s never easy, and there really isn’t anything people can say to make it feel better. What I can tell you is that they aren’t really gone, just no longer here.
My first was a friend in Wyoming when I was in 7th grade. She was hit by a drunk driver at the end of her driveway and thrown into the fence. Tara and I were friends on the way to becoming more, and I still think about her all the time. It’s been 25 years, and I still keep hoping she’ll show up or call.
As to barely getting to know this young man before it happened, that is alright, people who are meant to be part of us are, whether we know them for 5 minutes or a lifetime. Tell Tara I’m sorry she lost a friend, and I’ll keep you all with me for the next few days.
LivingWicked Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 09:55
I am sorry you lost someone this way. 25 years or 25 minutes… I can only imagine that it hurts the same.
Thanks for stopping by.
August 3rd, 2009 at 12:08
Oh, hon.
It’s always the most important moments, like these, when I truly have no words. All I can say is don’t discount your own pain- you certainly are entitled to your feelings… the length of time you spent with someone does not reflect how big of an imprint they left on your heart.
xoxo
LivingWicked Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 13:25
Thanks honey. I appreciate you saying that. Like, a lot.