What Not to Say to a Woman
Jul 28, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, DUH, Family, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Plunges, Ranteriffic, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables
Enter a woman wearing a super sexy polka dot dress (read: me on Monday)
Side note: I am really on this dress kick. Ask anyone who knows me, and they will tell you that I have never owned a single dress up until just recently. Tarable brought me the aforementioned polka dot dress (in a size EIGHT pee ess) because right now I have a limited selection of clothes that aren’t falling off of me … and little money to just go out and buy new clothes.
Anyway, moving on. I knew when I was wearing the dress that it was going to be one of those where you kinda just stop traffic. Black with big white polka dots, low neckline, red FMP’s… A classic dress. One of a kind. A dress that a woman feels sexy wearing. I was fully aware of the attention that it would get.
Or so I thought anyway.
I am newly accepting compliments with open arms. I dont know if any of you remember a blog that I wrote a few months ago about my having a hard time genuinely accepting compliments or not, but the gist of it was that I would not leave a compliment hanging with a negative connotation. I committed to embracing it. And I really have.
But there are some things you just do not say to a woman.
So I get to work. Do my usual turn the computer on, grab my food and put it in the fridge routine. I haven’t had a sip of my coffee.
A guy I work with, who is a constant form of flirty entertainment (he is not half bad to look at either) came around the corner and fake grabbed his chest like “be still my beating heart” styles. (cheesy I know) He told me how amazing I looked in this (now) infamous dress, and it was that look that put the extra pep in my step for the rest of the morning.
“I have still got it” I thought to myself.
All was good in my world until… He just had to open is mouth again. He couldn’t have left well enough alone.
Him: (leaning down by my desk) “I can’t get over how fine you look.”
Me: (seriously blushing) “Aww honey, thank you!”
Him: “I am serious. If I could bend you over this desk right now…”
Me: “INSERT COWORKERS NAME HERE!”
Him: “I am serious. I am gonna go home at lunch and get the lotion.”
(Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech) <--- sound of the brakes nearly crossing my sexual innuendo line of comfortablness
Me: “Uhhh”
Him: “You know you are hot for me right now.”
Me: “Riiight.. .so I gotta get back to work”
Him: “Just think about it.”
Me: “Oh. Believe me. I will.” (gag)
This is the thing. I am sexual. I eat, breathe, sleep sex. I am not the one who gets offended or thrown by a little friendly dirty talk. (yes there is such a thing) Sexual harassment is only applicable in my opinion when there hasnt been an even exchange of the aforementioned talk.
But go home at lunch and get the lotion? Ick. The last thing I want to hear about is the fact that you are masturbating to me in this dress. Like, ever. Just saying. I think I speak for the masses when I say that, we know that you rub out to us. It is an unspoken thing that is done on a regular basis. We get it. LOUD AND CLEAR.
Just, don’t tell us that you are doing it. It, ruins everything. I will no longer be able to look this jackhole in the face without picturing his masturbation face.
Thanks dick. You were one of the few decently attractive guys at work. Now, you are masturbation face guy. Not cute.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd D answers another question:
Me: “I have another blogger question for you”
D: “Yes it is really that big”
Me: “Wow.”
D: “Yes I am really that much of a pimp.”
Me: “I am going to fucking cut you.”
D: “Okay. Ask me the question and I will think about it whilst (yes he said whilst) shitting”
Me: “I officially hate you.”
D: “ASK!”
Me: “What, other than blow jobs, do you most look forward to when spending time with me.”
D: “Easy. Hand jobs.”
Me: “You will die.”
D: “BRB (yes he said it like that)”
D: “Maybe this feature isnt the best idea”
Me: “Why?”
D: “Because I have the same answer: I love to talk to you.”
Me: “aww.”
D: “Tell these beeshes to ask me different questions.”
(I have a plethora I was just warming him up)
What is the worst mental picture you have ever had?
Worst pick up line?
Tags: dress, lotion, masturbate, men, work
July 28th, 2009 at 23:24
That’s creepy.
By the way, I will be grabbing the astroglide to rub one out while thinking of you.
…
Yep still creepy.
Worst mental picture… nothing tops an email widget I found on a friends desktop one day. I don’t even want to get into what it was. But it was a REAL picture, so worst mental picture, 2 people banging with FUPAs
LivingWicked Reply:
July 28th, 2009 at 23:31
I know, right?!
Um. EW NOW I HAVE THAT MENTAL PICTURE.
Anne Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 09:52
I am currently very happy that I don’t know what FUPA stands for. Evidently it is wise to not ruin that for me.
LivingWicked Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 10:04
You know that you are going to google it.
Justice Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 11:04
I totally went to Urbandictionary.com
LivingWicked Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 12:15
and?
Anne Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 13:20
Yeah, no. I have spent the vast majority of my day not even remembering the letters or that there is a disturbing meaning behind them.
LivingWicked Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 13:25
ha ha ha ha
FUPA
Acronym for “Fat Upper Pubic Area”; common misinterpretations include “Fat Upper Pussy Area,” “Fat Upper Penile Area” and “Farting Under Pelicans Asses.” Also, often confused with FUBU, an overpriced brand of clothes that suburban caucasian adolescent males wear to impress suburban caucasian females who associate the clothing with large genetalia.
July 28th, 2009 at 23:30
Personally, I do not need to know if any sort of visual of me is in one of my co-workers or friends, spank banks. That is just nasty and I feel bad for you. Kinda makes me wanna puke for you.
I’ve also never been a dress person. Until I moved here. Now I am hooked. Either its just super hot, or they are making hella cute dresses lately. I think its the later theory because I have some very pretty dresses.
Thanks for the blog. I was beyond bored.
LivingWicked Reply:
July 28th, 2009 at 23:33
Dont puke, then your breath will stink.
They are making cute ones. I keep finding them and getting all wooooooooohoooocutedress excited.
How come you never IM anymore?
Dizzy Girl Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 15:54
I spend sooooo much time in front of my computer while I’m in school during the year. So now that it’s summer time, I am usually only checking stuff real quick from my phone cuz I want to enjoy my time off. Once in a great while your blog lets me comment from my phone, but it never lets me reply to the comments you make to me. So just special for you, I turned on my computer so that I could reply to this question. IM is out for me. I am more of a text messager. But I seriously stay up on week nights waiting for you to post your blogs. Last night you almost lost me though cuz I was falling asleep fast and hard. I was just about to give up but then, BAM! Here it was.
<3
LivingWicked Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 20:35
soooo whats up with the number exchange? I wanna text message with you!
July 28th, 2009 at 23:38
There are certain guys I talk to that I know…just KNOW do that. And I’m in those fantasies. You just can’t deny the boobies.
But if a coworker…someone I had to face everyday and was not fucking said that to me?
I would die.
.-= PQ´s last blog ..Unplugging to Breathe =-.
LivingWicked Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 08:09
Totally. If I know you… like KNOW you, the ick factor is not an issue.
July 28th, 2009 at 23:52
Okay…the vision I did NOT need (especially at this hour) was of D on the toilet “whilst shitting”. It’s a close second to the image of a guy friend in a threesome. Also an unwelcomed image.
Masturbation face guy. I feel sorry for him …he has no idea what he has done, or the havoc he has created…. Whilst intending to jack off to you in your dress and then telling you about it.
All pick up lines pretty much suck. How can a girl pick the worst?
LivingWicked Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 08:10
HA HA HA. I am married to him and I dont like to picture it.
I agree. I think he really wouldnt have said it had he thought it through.
July 29th, 2009 at 04:37
I had a creepy, NASTY coworker once tell me exactly what I’d be in his porn collection. He was teaching himself SQL by only being able to access said porn with queries, so he would have to type “Update MediaPlayerThingHeUsed where Star = Redhead, big boobs, long legs… etc He listed EACH qualifier. I was disgusted.
My new favorite pick-up line is “Is that real?” while they point at my ring… immediately followed by “It ain’t official til you’re married anyway…”
ick.
Squish Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 04:37
Also :
CONGRATS ON THE SIZE 8!!!!!
LivingWicked Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 08:11
You are kidding. “IS that REAL?!” < – dooooouchhhhhheeeeebaggggggg.
Thanks
July 29th, 2009 at 05:34
That dude is totally lame. BTW D rules!
.-= justjp´s last blog ..Who would play you? =-.
LivingWicked Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 08:11
He IS lame. LAME-O.
D is aight.
July 29th, 2009 at 05:40
I’m like you in that I don’t get offended by flirting at the office. I never understood why that -by itself – would be considered sexual harassment.
And to prove how slow on the uptake I am… when you described how he said he wanted to bend you over the desk and then said that he was going to go get the lotion… masturbation was NOT the thought I got in my head and I was all WHY WOULD YOU USE LOTION FOR THAT?
heh.
LivingWicked Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 08:12
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
Yeah no. he was so flabbergasted that he had to mention BOTH things he wanted to do.
July 29th, 2009 at 06:20
ewwwwww! seriously!?!? men are so stupid some times! Although *ahem* if you could get a picture of you in that dress for my future O face (hahaha just teasing, i just HAD to! hahaha) anyhoo… have a great day sweets!
.-= Cassi´s last blog ..My Foggy Brain Random Tuesday Thoughts =-.
LivingWicked Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 08:13
HAHAHAHAHHA! Uh no. MASTURBATION FACE GIRL!
Cassi Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 08:31
HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
.-= Cassi´s last blog ..Coldplay… Wordless Wednesday =-.
LivingWicked Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 08:35
July 29th, 2009 at 08:41
Absolutely WORST mental picture…Ron Jeremy in ANY Condition!!! YUCK
people still use pick-up lines?!?!?!?!?1
LivingWicked Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 08:49
EW. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
Cassie Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 08:50
SEEEEE??????
LivingWicked Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 08:51
Ugh.
Cassie Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 08:53
I know, right?? heheheheheheheh
what’s worse is he pops up in my co-workers convos OFTEN……yes I work with people that are as perverted as me!!!
LivingWicked Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 08:56
WHY does ANYONE EVER talk about that?
How does that come up in convo?! Like, ever?!?!?!?
ICK!
Cassie Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 08:57
I don’t know…but it does!!! LOL
Justice Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 11:07
I just had to google Ron Jeremy too. And promptly threw upinmymouth.
LivingWicked Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 12:12
bwaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahha
July 29th, 2009 at 10:01
Ummm…..
……………………………..
………………………………………………………….
Okay the best choice of words I could find…………….
To the best of my recollection, I’ve never had a moment like that at work. I’ve had crushes on multiple co-workers. I’ve blogged and wrote bad poetry about those crushes. BUT I’ve never been on the receiving end of any filthy talk at work. Maybe that’s why I’m having such a hard time being phased by what he said.
…. Probably…. I DO think that those weren’t he best choice of words to share at work even to a woman he might be dating. Clients and bosses pop out of the woodwork at the damnedest times.
There was the one time that the inter-office mail carrier told me I was pretty. I got pissed because I tend toward considering any mention of my looks to be an insult to me overall…. Like how most women feel about being called a cunt or bitch.
LivingWicked Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 10:10
You ARE pretty. Just saying.
Anne Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 10:30
Hehe! On a good day, I know that. Back in college, a friend of mine told me I was beautiful and I wouldn’t talk to him for a week or two. The exact amount of time is fuzzy now.
LivingWicked Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 10:34
If I was a constant in your life … like face to face, I would tell you every day.
Anne Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 13:23
*grins* I bet sometimes the purpose would be to get a rise out of me.
Anne Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 13:26
OH, and now that I’m recalling it; my worst received pick up line:
Excuse me, Miss, I’m on Public Assistance and was wondering if you’d like to go out with me sometime.
It was college and I suspect I was part of a Sociology Experiment.
LivingWicked Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 13:26
Oh most definitely.
*snicker*
July 29th, 2009 at 10:34
What a complete jerk ass. And so yucky. I loathe sleezy compliments. I once had a boss whistle at me when I was walking to my desk then he waved money at me and said he would give them to me if I stood on my desk and shook my ass. I not so politely told him to eff off. I worked in a call center and he was like 50. Puke factor = 596
LivingWicked Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 10:35
That is TOTALLY inappropriate. WOW.
To me THAT is sexual harassment.
Anne Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 13:24
Okay, THAT pissed me off!
LivingWicked Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 13:26
RIGHT!? Not cool.
July 29th, 2009 at 10:35
super congrats on the size 8!
LivingWicked Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 10:35
<3 thanks babe!
July 29th, 2009 at 10:56
OK, Being the guy here commenting. The whole masturbation comment was totally inappropriate. You can think it or you can do it, but please don’t tell them about it! Seriously, I don’t do it anymore, I have no need. But even when I did, would I tell you about it? NO!!! I don’t need to picture your masturbation face, and you don’t need to picture mine.
The worst pick-up line? Honestly, last week at a bar I had a 50 some odd year old woman tell me that she wanted to make sure I was grooming, so I needed to come to her house for a trim… eeugh!
On that size 8 dress… WOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I’m so proud of you.
LivingWicked Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 12:20
Dude that is so gross. What a nasty lady. Ick.
Thank you!
I am proud too!
July 29th, 2009 at 11:07
I don’t really want to know about some other man masturbating to me…..But Dan could soooo totally say that shit to me and get away with him….of course, he’d probably get interupted by my helpful handormore.
Bret Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 11:13
And he would be allowed.. but really, someone you work with saying it to you, you’d want to pull a Lorena on him.
LivingWicked Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 12:24
Yeah but you are fucking him. Totally different.
July 29th, 2009 at 12:24
I completely believe in friendly dirty talk, there is just no avoiding it with me, I’m perverted like that.
But there are just some guys that can’t understand this f’in concept. They always bring it too far. I was texting with a guy friend that we always go back and forth with the dirty friendly talk b/c we both know we arent serious and its never going to happen b/c we have been friends for almost 10 years now. But even HIM, somehow the conversation ended with “and then you can sit on my face” or something like that….GROSS!!! Completely ruins it, everytime. I can’t even have these friendly banters with him anymore because of it. And congrats on the size 8 dress!!! that’s fantastic!
.-= Lauren ´s last blog ..Weakest Link =-.
LivingWicked Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 12:45
I think that guys get overly excited. Like all of the brain cells shoot straight for the penis or something. HA HA HA
July 29th, 2009 at 12:37
omg. this seriously hit that beyond-gross out factor when i read earlier i had to go away and breathe for a bit. i’ve had co-workers do that. peeps on the outside edge of my ‘circle’ that i did NOT know.. inform me i was their.. um.. ‘inspiration’. we’ll go with that. it is SUCH a NOT COOL thing. eww. no. guys, unless you are welcome in her bed regularly… do not EVER say she is your material for self help. srsly.
worst mental picture ever? few years back i had a horrific nightmare. of a wreck involving my kids. for weeks after.. the image of my kids.. broken and dying.. stayed in my head. THAT was the WORST, but not the ‘grossest’
worst pick up line? gah. i hate it when dudes are all ‘Hey baby.. dontchoo know? once you go black you don’t ever go back… ‘ SO lame.
a course, my immediate response is to look down my nose at them, cock an eyebrow, and say ‘mmhmm. i went black.. and ain’t ever BEEN back. pssh.’ the looks on their faces is GREAT.
and major congratz on the size 8 !! I know you worked your ASS off for it!
.-= Jody´s last blog ..Bits of Me =-.
LivingWicked Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 12:47
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA . Best retort EVER. In the history of retorts.
July 29th, 2009 at 12:51
Wow. That dude is clueless. I bet he thought it would turn you on. I bet he went back to what he was doing all messed up and confused.
I think everyone has had a little me time while thinking of someone they know, but it really is way across the line to tell them that.
Ugh.
Congratulations on the size 8 and finding dresses.
I will try and think of some good D questions.
LivingWicked Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 12:55
Yeah he gives you guys a bad name.
July 29th, 2009 at 16:57
This? Is why it’s tough on normal, single guys and single girls. Because jackasses say stuff like “I’ll get the lotion.” They ruin it for everybody.
.-= f.B´s last blog ..so we meet again =-.
LivingWicked Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 20:36
I 100% agree with you on this. He gives good guys a total bad rep.