TMIThursday: Uninvited PenisGuest & Cherry Pop.
Jul 22, 2009 Friendship, Random, Relationships, Sex, TMI Thursday's, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage.
Hello my gluttons for TMI Punishment!
You know the drill… I blog about totally inappropriate shit… (sometimes literally) and sometimes, you throw up in your mouth a bit.
If you are interested in participating, reading more train wreck worthy blogs…
Click the pic below and enter the hub of TMI Thursday….
Today’s TMIT will be like the mixtape of TMIT’s. I have a few short, totally related stories that are starring none other than the love of my life, D. He has been so gracious (read: given no choice) to allow me to put his majorly hilar. and totally inebriated fuck-ups.
Once upon a responsible life of 2 kids and responsibilities… there lived a me and D. We had parties. They were parties that consisted of a great deal (read: pyramid’s of beer cans) of alcohol present among other favors that could be punishable in a court of law if caught participating in. (I will leave that to your own wicked imaginations) So we would get smashed. Completely belligerent. The most affected? D.
I know, right!? Shocking. Especially those of you who knew him then. Bwahahaha.
Annnnnnyfuckingway.
Story number 1 of Uninvited PenisGuest:
We are all hanging out. Our good friend brought his new but old but new girlfriend over to hang out, and (I am almost positive) introduce us to her for the first time. We were all sitting in the living room, watching TV. D and our friend get up to smoke on the deck outside. Our loveseat sat perpendicular to the sliding glass door. New but old but new girlfriend was totally zoned out, watching the movie with her back to the slider. I was across the room on the couch.
Something told me to look up at what the boys were doing, and when I did, I was horrified to see D standing over the back of the loveseat, his penis rested gently on her shoulder. Horrified, I make eye contact with him. He seems to think the event is epic, (that’s what she said… I get it) and when he saw the look on my face … I am pretty sure that was when his brain cells connected as to how NOT COOL it actually was.
We both dart our eyes to our friend, who (rightfully) was livid.
Because none of us wanted new but old but new girlfriend to be made to feel awkward, this was the silent-eye-contact convo that happened.
Friend: “Are you fucking for real?”
D: “So this is not okay?”
Me: “Are you really asking us that?”
Friend: “Get your DICK off of my girls shoulder, dog. Now.”
D: “Are you sure? I mean…”
Friend: “NOW.”
D: (backing up slowly) “My bad, dog.”
Me: (looking at new but old but new girlfriend to see if she noticed. she didnt.) “THANK YOU.”
Friend: “I should fuck you up right now.”
D: “No disrespect. I thought it was funny.”
Friend: “SO not funny.”
Me: “Yeah. Like not even close to funny.”
D: (pathetic face)
Meet my husband. The Puthispenisonhershoulder Guy.
Uninvited PenisGuest Story # 2.
At one of the many parties we hosted, the knife hit was discovered. Or rediscovered. Whatever. Anyway, amongst the heavy drinking and endless knife hits, D became … what is the word I am looking for?! W A S T E D. Right. Wasted. Thanks.
After a several minutes, we all kinda stopped and looked around. D was missing. I scan the living room and the deck. I wander around to the dark staircase and decide to head up to see if he passed out upstairs. Instead, I trip over him. He was passed out face first, on the staircase, his pants and boxer briefs at his ankles.
*le sigh* Decisions, Decisions.
A good wife would have channeled her inner secret squirrel stealth pants pulling up skills and put him to bed.
Heh. I am NOT a good wife.
I snorted and hollered for all of our equally inebriated friends to come see D and his ballsandmore spread eagle on the staircase.
If I would have had a camera then … I would have taken a picture. And I would still have it and I would post that shit on this blog.
Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuut I dont. So you are all left to picture my husband and his balls passed out on a staircase. You are welcome.
Last but not least… A TMIT feature from the archives of Tarable:
“Okay so I had liked this guy since I was a freshman. Junior year rolls around and we are at a party at my friend’s house. As high school parties go we were all too drunk off some random fruity vodka drink and the guy I liked was there. One thing lead to another and we ended up in an upstairs bedroom. You may assume that we had sex, but we didn’t. At the time I was the big V and didn’t want to yet, but we pretty much did everything else. When Dan woke us up the next morning he completely freaked out on us.
Boy I liked and I jumped up to blood smeared sheets and clothes. GROSS!
The worst part was that it was on his face! Ask me how quick everyone at school found out that he popped my cherry.”
There you have it folks, 3 TMIT’s for your Thursday enjoyment.
As always, (but you never do) feel free to share your own TMIT’s, links to your TMIT blogs or whatever.
And… if you could be a kind of “pop” what flavor would YOU be?
Tags: alcohol, cherry pop, drunk, friend, girlfriend, high school, penis, tarable, tmit
July 22nd, 2009 at 21:34
one night several years ago when Shane and I were into partying and going out every weekend drinking, we ended up at a 24hr resturant..well he had to pee really bad and couldnt wait to get inside so he figured it would be a real good idea to just do it next to the car (he was smashed, wasted, beyond tipsy)..just as he was done a few people walked by he was shaking his dick off or whatever men do after they go..so the people tell the security guard on duty what just happend. Shane ends up in the police station a friend of ours and I had to bail his ass outta there..ugh it was soo embarassing
i would be Peach Faygo..its sweet and bubbly at the same time
LivingWicked Reply:
July 22nd, 2009 at 21:36
That has *almost* happened to D several times. Once the cop made him pinch it off midstream. He was in tears because it hurt so bad.
HA HA HA.
July 22nd, 2009 at 21:37
Your husband sounds absolutely awesome. I want to party with him! Putting your dick on somebody’s shoulder? Hilarious. Altho I would’ve been really weirded out if I was her.
And it was on his face?? Ewwww
Happy TMI Thursday!
LivingWicked Reply:
July 22nd, 2009 at 21:38
Luckily she didn’t even notice. Which is really weird because I am pretty sure I would have noticed a dick on my shoulder.
I KNOW, RIGHT! EWWW!
You too lovey!
Tarable Reply:
July 23rd, 2009 at 08:33
Yes I know! Like on his face like a mustache ps.
LivingWicked Reply:
July 23rd, 2009 at 08:38
so like carrot top with a ’stache?
July 22nd, 2009 at 23:48
How wasted does one have to be to NOT notice a dick on one’s shoulder, especially when there is angry conversation going on all around one ABOUT said dick on the shoulder?!?!?! OMG – LMMFAO!!!!!
This sounds like some of mine and my ex’s early marriage stories….holy cow, woman…..maybe I DO have some TMI in me. LOL!!!
LivingWicked Reply:
July 23rd, 2009 at 08:03
In her defense, the story was eyecontact only.
Tallulah Reply:
July 23rd, 2009 at 09:28
LMMFAO!!!! OMG – I just went back and read that again. TOTALLY missed that. What I get for reading blogs in the wee hours I suppose. Can you say “EMBARRASSED”?
Tallulah Reply:
July 23rd, 2009 at 09:35
I’ll only be a pop if you let me pour myself over some vanilla ice cream. DAMN I’M HAVING SOME SERIOUS CRAVINGS HERE!!!! THIS DIET SHIT IS FOR THE BIRDS!!!!
LivingWicked Reply:
July 23rd, 2009 at 09:39
HAHA!!! I figured that was what it was.
What “diet” are you on right now???
July 23rd, 2009 at 04:21
I love this one. Getting to know D helps us know you better.
I’m sure I have some TMI somewhere. Oh.
Once while living in California, I was staying with a friend who had a gay roommate who was away for a couple of weeks. I was staying (with permission from him) in his room, but was warned that he was very very particular about his stuff. Don’t fuck with anything his.
Because I was new in town, I wasn’t getting any and since I was staying in someone else’s room, I had been holding off pleasuring myself. But being a guy, something had to give. After about a week (probably nowhere near a week) I am sitting on the edge of the bed jerking off. I erupted so hard there was almost recoil. And I was momentarily wherever we go when we have had a mind shattering orgasm.
I come back to Earth and I can’t find my recently jettisoned load. I’m thinking that was weird, but I didn’t actually watch my own moneyshot and didn’t know where it had gotten to.
I found it a good four or five feet away all over dude’s stereo.
I told the girl I was staying with laughed her ass off and told her friends and they laughed and we made a pact to never tell dude what I did.
(and of course I cleaned the hell out of it).
(And then I started having sex with the girl I was staying with.)
The end.
I think today I’d be Dr. Pepper.
LivingWicked Reply:
July 23rd, 2009 at 08:05
I love that your TMITs are masturbatory.
David Reply:
July 23rd, 2009 at 21:20
I hadn’t noticed.
July 23rd, 2009 at 04:22
hehehehe…you might want to tell D that he could come up miss that thing one day!!! hahahahaha
I really don’t know if I have any TMI stories….you’ve heard all the ones I could think of!! LOL
I’d be Coke, because it is uncomplicated and good for the soul!!!
Cassie Reply:
July 23rd, 2009 at 04:22
come up MISSING is how it should read
LivingWicked Reply:
July 23rd, 2009 at 08:05
I know, right!?
July 23rd, 2009 at 04:45
Instead of penis shoulder, I pulled off the forehead balls in a similar fashion to D. It was epic and I almost got my ass kicked… By the girl. HA!
LivingWicked Reply:
July 23rd, 2009 at 08:06
You might have deserved it. I am just saying.
July 23rd, 2009 at 04:48
[...] WickedCourtni’s TMI Thursday: Uninvited PenisGuest & Cherry Pop. [...]
July 23rd, 2009 at 05:45
Holy shit those are funny stories!
I’m not a pop today – I’m a coffee. As in I’ve had waytoofuckingmuch of the stuff and have turned into one. A giant cup of overly caffeinated coffee.
LivingWicked Reply:
July 23rd, 2009 at 08:06
CRACK CRACK CRACK
April Reply:
July 23rd, 2009 at 08:29
LMAO. My God it totally is. Imagine me, last night talking to my child about why I don’t want her to have caffeine… explaining that it’s highly addictive… but that she’s old enough to decide if she wants a soda with caffeine in it and then live with the consequences of that choice…. and the whole time I’m hearing myself talk about how bad for you caffeine is I have this voice in my head screaming “HYPOCRITE”. It was very distracting.
LivingWicked Reply:
July 23rd, 2009 at 08:38
Meh. I am pretty sure caffeine is not the only contradictory statement ever made by a parent.
April Reply:
July 23rd, 2009 at 08:54
Oh no, it’s definitely not. It just cracks me up when I catch myself in it.
LivingWicked Reply:
July 23rd, 2009 at 08:58
Me too. Its like OH SNAP! I JUST told X not to do that.
July 23rd, 2009 at 05:57
Epic. OFCOURSE it was EPIC….how could she NOT notice? New-old-new-old girl must have been smashed to not notice D’s stash. Just saying! It reminded me of a story amongst friends when I was dating my ex….thanks fot that giggle
and Tara…omg….that visual will haunt me today. That said, nothing beats great oral RIGHT before Mother Nature arrives…mmmmmmmmmmmmmm
LivingWicked Reply:
July 23rd, 2009 at 08:13
Just so you know it wasn’t mother nature … he popped her cherry.
Tarable Reply:
July 23rd, 2009 at 08:36
Uhm that is the worst part! He was so rough with me even if that shit hadn’t had happened I would have NEVER messed around with him again. I pray for his girlfriends that it has gotten better and really we were only 15/16 at the time.
LivingWicked Reply:
July 23rd, 2009 at 08:37
You started slut-dom EARLY! Dang.
Tarable Reply:
July 23rd, 2009 at 08:54
Remember! I am the author of slut-ca-pades 101!
LivingWicked Reply:
July 23rd, 2009 at 08:58
For sheeze.
July 23rd, 2009 at 06:09
So good. But I didn’t know what a knife hit was. So when I saw we were getting a story about an uninvited wang that started with a knife hit, I cringed so hard. That’s proof that Lorena Bobbitt will be remembered forever.
.-= f.B´s last blog ..unAmerican Pie =-.
LivingWicked Reply:
July 23rd, 2009 at 08:15
Do you know what a knife hit is now? Hee Hee Hee.
July 23rd, 2009 at 07:20
I remember having my first apt right after high school. My brother and a couple of his friends would stop in on their way to school and do knife hits with the 3 knives I owned at the time. That was always a nice conversation “Dude, why are your knives burnt black?”
I used to tell people I used them camping.
LivingWicked Reply:
July 23rd, 2009 at 08:16
HA HA HA.
Knife hits are no joke.
July 23rd, 2009 at 08:55
Ya know, re-reading what I wrote, I forgot a sentence!
*cough* red… FMP’s…how’d it go?
LivingWicked Reply:
July 23rd, 2009 at 08:58
We had to raincheck. D and X were doing something that took longer than expected.
Dad/Son time reigns supreme.
July 23rd, 2009 at 09:26
So wait… does he put his penis on a lot of shoulders??? lmao!!!
.-= Cassi´s last blog ..Helpful Tips and Hints from the Desk of a Toddler =-.
LivingWicked Reply:
July 23rd, 2009 at 09:40
he better not, DAMMIT! LMFAO.
Cassi Reply:
July 23rd, 2009 at 11:34
lol!!!! was just curious if I should book a flight… it’s been a while since I had a penis on my shoulder… hahaha
oh my god, i am laughing so hard i have tears!!!
hahahahaha
.-= Cassi´s last blog ..Helpful Tips and Hints from the Desk of a Toddler =-.
LivingWicked Reply:
July 23rd, 2009 at 11:37
lmfao. glad you are amused! ha ha ha
Cassi Reply:
July 23rd, 2009 at 13:37
lol
.-= Cassi´s last blog ..Helpful Tips and Hints from the Desk of a Toddler =-.
July 23rd, 2009 at 09:28
You have to love the innocence in not realizing that “dick on shoulder” wouldn’t be hilarious.
P.S. D? I totally would have laughed. hard.
.-= Miss Tricky´s last blog ..Four My Spawn… =-.
LivingWicked Reply:
July 23rd, 2009 at 09:41
Seriously. I think it was more of a “that is my girlfriend and your wife is sitting right here” moment. We all totally crack up about it now.
I would have too. Or I would have bit it.
July 23rd, 2009 at 12:14
I was dating this guy and that S&P song, “Red Light Special” had just come out. I went and bought a red light and planned for a sexy night only to wake up the next morning to a different kind of Red Special!!! It was humiliating….but not forgotton!!!
LivingWicked Reply:
July 23rd, 2009 at 13:37
Oh man. Not funny. But fucking HILARIOUS all at the same time.
July 23rd, 2009 at 12:55
Puthispenisonhershoulder Guy. HA HA HA HA HA!
.-= Jaime´s last blog ..Lazy. I has it. =-.
LivingWicked Reply:
July 23rd, 2009 at 13:37
July 23rd, 2009 at 12:56
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*deep breath*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
LivingWicked Reply:
July 23rd, 2009 at 13:37
Hey did you think that this blog was funny?!
July 23rd, 2009 at 13:03
Please, you know you would’ve lost it if D put his dick on my shoulder in Vegas. Then again I probably would have grabbed it and yanked if he’d tried. I was at no point fucked up enough not to notice that.
.-= Just A Girl´s last blog ..TMI Thursday: Hot Off The Presses =-.
LivingWicked Reply:
July 23rd, 2009 at 13:38
Seriously. It isnt like it is small where it is a hair on your shoulder. Try more of a oversized keilbasa.
July 23rd, 2009 at 14:29
I’ve never had penis envy until that first story. If I had one I would spend every house party trying to surreptitiously put my cock on people’s shoulders. Well played, D, well played.
.-= LiLu´s last blog ..TMI Thursday: Rated Pee-G for Everyone =-.
LivingWicked Reply:
July 23rd, 2009 at 14:38
RIGHT!?
Well, that is, only if your penis isn’t laughable. No one wants to see a laughable penis.
July 23rd, 2009 at 15:34
Strawberry pop cuz I love it.
I laughed so hard at the first story that I had to share it with my friends that were over last night when I was reading it. I freaking love the eye talk.