Angry Dragon/Frothy Walrus FAIL.
Jun 22, 2009 I Forgot to Tag
Who watches E’s The Soup?
If you don’t, you totally should. This show is the best 30 minutes of my night. It is 30 minutes of clowning all of celebrity-reality-television-moments. When you click the link, just press play on the video in the upper right hand spot below the navigation bar. It plays the latest episode in full. The other video’s are the blogs. Equally funny but you gotta dig for good material. Anyway, I have a dorky-but-funny-white-boy crush on him.
So last night, during D’s Father’s Day Naked Sensual Massage (please read it while your inside voice speaks in Austin Powers) we were totally cracking up at pretty much the entire episode. I got done (read: bored) massaging his back so I just kinda layed down next to him and snuggled all cute-like next to him. (shut up) So I start to doze off, and am awakened by a peni-nudge and D on his back, not on his stomach as he was 30 seconds prior.
Me: “So what you are saying is…”
D: (giggling like a 2 year old) “Mmmmhm. You know what is next.”
Me: “Oh I do?”
D: (still kid-giggling) “Dont play like you are new to this.”
(He had been hinting to happy endings… but I thought he was talking about that Disney movie.? No? Just kidding it is totally NOT a Disney movie… hehehe. Anything with Tom Arnold is not appropriate for children. )
Anyway, D was expecting a Fathers Day happy ending… so I shall do my wifely duties and oblige. Normally, I am able to 1) multi-task and listen to whatever is on TV while doing the do without it affecting any sort of concentration, or 2) tune it out if it is distracting. I am not sure if this malfunctioned because of my aforementioned white boy crush or if it malfunctioned because I had gotten so relaxed to the point of dozing that my game was off.
Either way, Joel McHale came back in full force from commercial, talking about someone interviewing a man named Mike Hawk.
I tried so fucking hard to ignore it.
I attempted to provide the happiest of endings… but I. Just. Could. Not. Do. It. Especially considering the fact that good ol’ Joel took it upon his HILARIOUS self to say Mike Hawk as many times as humanly possible in the 30 second segment.
I couldn’t multi-task. I couldn’t hold in the inevitable, uncontrollable giggles that were resting at the tip of my throat. (PUN INTENDED)
I fell out. Choked. (yes on it) and was consumed by this tidal wave of laughter (yes it was still in my mouth). The kind that makes you snort. Multiple times. This display sent D into laughter as well. I know for a fucking we-have-been-married-for-almost-8-years fact that he was stifling as much laughter over Mike Hawk and the ironic timing of Joel McHale’s repetition of it as much as I was if not more. Add in me snorting and choking on his cock and it was over.
There we were, d.y.i.n.g. of uncontrollable laughter.
D: “You snorted. On my cock.”
Me: (wiping tears) “I know. I was there.”
So I tried again to end this night happily. 3 times.
“Mike Hawk Mike Hawk Mike Hawk” replaying in my head, sending me into fits of snorting laughter. If you didn’t know me, you would think that I was loaded or something. It took 3 attempts and meditation-like concentration to not literally ROFL during this blow job.
And as he came….
D: “MIKE HAWK!!!!!!!!!”
Fucker.
D: “Did any come out your nose? I was aiming for the frothy walrus or the angry dragon!”
Me: “Fuck you.”
D: “No thanks, you already did. Gnite.” (insert snoring here)
Fucker. He is lucky it was Fathers Day.
Have you ever gotten a Brazilian Wax? Thumbs up or Thumbs Down?
What would you say would be a deal breaker for you on a first date?
What one word would you use to describe yourself?
June 22nd, 2009 at 20:59
lol
you silly kids!
no wax will EVER get near my nether region…….EVER!!!!
date???? I date???? since when???? everything’s a deal breaker for me! lol
It is sooooooo weird you should ask that question, because I was thinking about it earlier tonight……….if I had to choose only one……..fun would be my choice
LivingWicked Reply:
June 22nd, 2009 at 21:05
We have too much fun together. I enjoy him a great deal.
NEVER!?
lol.
I agree. Fun and … snarky.
June 22nd, 2009 at 21:31
No brazilian wax for me… I know a few people that have though and it seems to be even pickings between those who love it and those who swear never again ..
Deal breaker for a date .. I don’t know really… it’d have to be pretty bad to be a deal breaker on a first date though.
One word to describe myself – compassionate
LivingWicked Reply:
June 22nd, 2009 at 22:10
Dammit I cant decide if I am gonna do it or not.
I like that word for you.
June 22nd, 2009 at 22:09
Well, at least you didn’t puke on his dick…*ahem*…
…anymygagreflexsucksandnotinagoodway, I’ve never had a Brazilian, and honestly don’t plan on getting one. Ever. I did suffer a moment of insanity and seriously consider it once, but that idea was driven quickly from my head when I heard about others’ experiences. I can deal with pain, but something about that whole scenario doesn’t appeal to me.
First date deal breaker: B.O. of ANY kind! Brush your teeth, bathe, use deodorant, clean your fingernails (you nasty summamabitch), and if I am so inclined to give you a first-date BJ (uh…I mean ninth date BJ), then make sure your effin’ balls are washed, dammit! Men always talk about women’s pussies stinkin’ but their boys get fonky, too!
Sorry. Bad hygiene is one of my biggest pet peeves. Blegh.
One word to describe myself: Insane (word has been used twice in this comment…it must be true). I’ve been awake since Sunday afternoon and my body is about to shut down but I have a ton of shit to get out of the way so I can relax tomorrow. Relax as in “hibernate”, that is.
You and D make me wish I were still married…*sigh* Y’all are hilarious.
.-= Zandria´s last blog ..TMI Thursday: The Launch of the Crotch Rocket… =-.
LivingWicked Reply:
June 22nd, 2009 at 22:15
heh. you are so right.
wax and butthole are not supposed to meet. i am almost convinced.
agreed on the BO. (dont worry it is mine too.)
Zandria Reply:
June 22nd, 2009 at 22:19
The whole idea gives me the heebie-jeebies, really…I’m not the least bit shy, but bending over face down ass up in front of a total stranger who is wielding a wooden (splinters!) stick with hot wax on it…well…I’d rather not.
.-= Zandria´s last blog ..TMI Thursday: The Launch of the Crotch Rocket… =-.
LivingWicked Reply:
June 22nd, 2009 at 22:30
What about bikini wax?
Zandria Reply:
June 22nd, 2009 at 22:34
I’ve had a bikini wax done before…it wasn’t too bad, and the results were definitely much better than those you get when you shave. And not to mention that the aftermath is not as…irritating.
.-= Zandria´s last blog ..TMI Thursday: The Launch of the Crotch Rocket… =-.
LivingWicked Reply:
June 22nd, 2009 at 22:35
Okay then I will compromise and do that for Vegas.
June 23rd, 2009 at 04:22
I want a brazillian, but haven’t done it yet. Cause once I did I would want to keep it up and that is a significant time/money investment…
Dealbreaker would be bad tipping, or answering his phone – period.
And I’m Fabulous… hahahahahaha
LivingWicked Reply:
June 23rd, 2009 at 07:54
You totally ARE fabulous. <3
June 23rd, 2009 at 05:18
“I know. I was there.”
CLASSIC!!!
.-= justjp´s last blog ..Postponed =-.
LivingWicked Reply:
June 23rd, 2009 at 07:54
Well!? I was!
June 23rd, 2009 at 06:37
Oh man! I have so much to share today!!!
Firstly, awhile back the Prez and I were in bed and he was kinda, sorta, maybe hinting that maybe we should do it and I was fucking exhausted. Like dead tired so my internal monologue is all “eeeeehhhhh, so tired, no no no….wait that feels pretty good….okay fine but I’m just gonna lay here, mmm hmmmm that’s lovely….okay that’s it I’m getting on top because it will be done sooner and then I can sleep”
So I did and it was great and I came a bit before he did and the first thing that popped into my head was “damn! that was way better than I thought it was going to be!” which cracked me up. So still fucking, exhausted and cum silly I just start to bust up. Hard. He’s a trooper so he cums as I’m still dying laughing and he’s like what?!? what is so funny? So I said, “well the first thing I thought when I was done is that that was waaaay better than I thought it was going to be” and then I rolled off him and laughed until I cried and then that turned into real crying and then I started apologizing frantically and was all like ‘I’m so sorry…I’m just so fucking tired’. And wow that just became a really long rambling story but I think my point was that he cracked up, kissed me on my forehead and snuggled me into bed. Then he rolled over and laughed even harder.
Sorry, you should kick me off your blog.
And my bikini wax ROCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am in love! As soon as I have a fucking job again I will be getting them on the regular. I didn’t go brazillian because there isn’t that much to clean up down there and for some reason shaving doesn’t irritate “that area” if you know what I’m saying….but 4 weeks of perfectly smooth, no razor bump having vajayjay was awesome!
LivingWicked Reply:
June 23rd, 2009 at 07:56
I have totally done this.
So has D. Only when he did, he had just let a silent fart out while we were having sex.
Fucker. If I would have done that…
Bikini wax? Or Brazilian?
June 23rd, 2009 at 08:47
That is fucking hilarious.
Never had a brazilian. I just can’t stand the idea of having my naked ass bent over for a complete stranger to put hot wax on and then pull off. NO THANK YOU.
I keep my area tidy with a razor and some odd positions in the shower but at least I’m the only one that sees my fat ass contorted into that position.
Deal breaker on a first date? Bad hygiene, being rude to the server, not tipping… those things would make me end the date right away or if he insults me, intentionally or not. Yes, that’s happened.
LivingWicked Reply:
June 23rd, 2009 at 09:11
Yeah I am thinking that wax plus butthole = no bueno
*snicker* @ contorted. That is a great word.
It has?! Rude.
June 23rd, 2009 at 08:57
I don’t know what my word would be. :/
.-= Jaime´s last blog ..Lunch: it’s good. =-.
LivingWicked Reply:
June 23rd, 2009 at 09:16
how about AWESOME!?
Jaime Reply:
June 23rd, 2009 at 11:42
I’m not feelin’ it.
.-= Jaime´s last blog ..Lunch: it’s good. =-.
LivingWicked Reply:
June 23rd, 2009 at 11:43
um…
EMOSEWA!?
Jaime Reply:
June 23rd, 2009 at 12:28
That looks like an alcoholic beverage. lolz
.-= Jaime´s last blog ..Lunch: it’s good. =-.
LivingWicked Reply:
June 23rd, 2009 at 12:32
It is awesome, backwards.
Jaime Reply:
June 23rd, 2009 at 12:29
An alcoholic beverage for the emo elite.
.-= Jaime´s last blog ..Lunch: it’s good. =-.
LivingWicked Reply:
June 23rd, 2009 at 12:32
HA HA HA
June 23rd, 2009 at 09:45
Brazilian is the way to go. It’s not any worse than the gyno, and they don’t put any fingers in. At least where I go . . .
But the results are so smooth and they really last, and that’s worth it.
It’s been so long since I had a first date, I can’t imagine, but yeah, stinky would do it. If you can’t wash to impress on a first date, I don’t wanna know what you’re like when you’re on the couch on Sunday afternoons.
It’s hard to pick one word. Right this minute, I am “sharp”. I’m not even sure what I mean by that!
LivingWicked Reply:
June 23rd, 2009 at 12:32
I heart the word sharp.
“You look SHARP”
June 23rd, 2009 at 12:12
You guys make me less and less worried about US every day.
Thanks.
.-= LiLu´s last blog ..Everything’s Gotta Give. =-.
LivingWicked Reply:
June 23rd, 2009 at 13:46
You are more than welcome.
June 23rd, 2009 at 20:03
I’m so late.
I adore you and D stories.
I have never gotten a wax. Anywhere. Never needed one. But I want you to wax your butthole and then tell us about it, so thumbs up, Court.
I’m so freaky picky… A million things could be a deal breaker. Wanting me too much or being way too into me too soon is freaky. Or any hint that you just want a man so you aren’t alone and letting me know this by already trying to change my behaviour in any way. That just screams desperate.
Word I would use to describe myself. “Piquant.”
LivingWicked Reply:
June 23rd, 2009 at 20:14
I will not be waxing my butthole for blog purpose.
David Reply:
June 23rd, 2009 at 20:30
Chicken?
June 23rd, 2009 at 20:30
Never had a Brazillian. Or waxed down there either for that matter. Hot wax + my pussy = no thanks.
Deal braker…if he has bad teeth or chews with his mouth open or is just plain fucking rude.
Fantabulous. because I’m just that awesome ;o)
David Reply:
June 23rd, 2009 at 20:32
What if he is chewing on something that does not allow him to close his mouth?
AmyDame Reply:
June 23rd, 2009 at 22:42
As long as that something is me…then that is ok. ;o) Food related, um no.
David Reply:
June 23rd, 2009 at 22:59
You were what I was getting at.
LivingWicked Reply:
June 24th, 2009 at 07:17
Heh. You 2…
June 24th, 2009 at 11:59
I don’t know if you twitter but I follow @thesoup and I thought you would enjoy this post from earlier today!
thesoup FYI: Myke Hawke was just spotted lunching with Dick Hurtz and Jack Mehoff.
June 25th, 2009 at 06:07
LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *tears* hahahahaha!!
Oh lord have mercy! hahahaha
You are just too damn funny.
Never had a brazillion wax because I am ITALIAN and thus WAY too scared. Nuff said.
June 26th, 2009 at 19:55
OMFG. MIKE HAWK MIKE HAWK. Crazy but wayyyy to funny.
I thought I was the only one who multi-tasked when they were “occupied”!!!