TMI Thursday: If I Were A Boy
May 20, 2009 Out of Wicked's Mouth, Random, Suck It!, TMI Thursday's, The Tarably Wicked Show
Hello my gluttons for TMI Punishment!
You know the drill… I blog about totally inappropriate shit… (sometimes literally) and sometimes, you throw up in your mouth a bit.
If you are interested in participating, reading more train wreck worthy blogs… Click the pic below and enter the hub of TMI Thursday….
Last weeks TMIThursday had a little bitty game called “I Never”. The winner of the game got to choose what topic this TMIThursday would be about. My pretty winner chose “I never have worn my strap on in public.” (Which is a lie and also which is why I have a story for you this lovely Thursday)
For Christmas several years ago I was given a strap-on from one of my guy friends. Which, from the outside looking in seems extremely odd… but being as I was the only girl they were friends with at the time that was openly bisexual… the gift was more of a HA HA than anything. (Little did he know the kind of use I have gotten out of this bad boy since. )
So one day when I was at home, doing my house-wifery- duties… I stumbled across it in my unmentionables drawer. I had not ever used it at this point but was looking for an opportunity to do so. So I put it on. Over my clothes at first, and was walking around with it on while I cleaned the house, vacuumed… etc.
It felt really fucking cool to have this big cock between my legs, hitting my thigh as I walked around, bent over… whatever it was that I was doing at the time. So then I got naked and stood in front of the mirror with this penis. My penis. I flexed my muscles and showed all of the masculinity that I could muster up. I looked sexy with a dick. If I could have imagined any dick to have as my own, it would have been that size.
This penis was my perfect penis.
So there I was, naked and with faux-cock, making a grocery list when I got the idea-light-bulb.
“I am going to wear my cock to the store!” I announced to myself.
I finished the list, put on my clothes (including a pair of D’s boxer briefs) and left out the door. I had a penis. In my pants. And not some “can I just stick the tip in” kind either.Except when I got there, I felt like everyone was staring at me. I figured that it was just me being insecure. I attempted to adjust my schlong without catching the attention of bystanders, but that was harder than anyone who doesn’t have a dick could even begin to imagine.
So I tried the squat walk to try to get it to fall into place. I pretended like I was “adjusting my shirt” to move it to the left side, rather than in the front where it wanted to hang … allowing the entire population of women to be made aware that I, an obvious woman, had a penis… and it was SEMI-HARD.
I was quickly realizing the mistake I had made by wearing my faux-cock in public. I should have known that penis adjustment would be harder than I imagined. So I tried the squat-walk one more time… just to get it in order enough to make it to the bathroom so that I could take it off and put it in the car.
What I didn’t realize was that in all of the adjustments, the faux-cock and the movement had unzipped my zipper. The cool breeze between my legs all of a sudden drew my eyes down to my penis… and it was hanging out of the zipper… as happy as could be. When I looked up, there was this elderly woman, her facial expression mixed with fear, shock and disgust… looking from my faux-cock to my chest and back down again… unable to comprehend what was actually going on in front of her eyes.
Before she could find her voice enough to scream for security… I bolted, faux-dick still out and bouncing around for the cruel worlds viewing pleasure, to my car and as far away from there as humanly possible.
I hope that my expirement and accidental voueyerism didn’t give that lady a heart attack.
As always… feel free to share your own TMI’s… or whatever else you feel like yakking about today.
Tags: grocery store, penis, strap-on, TMI Thursday, voyuer
May 21st, 2009 at 03:29
hahahahahahahahaha
Did you go back to that store again?
LivingWicked Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 08:07
No. I have never returned to the store. I probably would now… it has been so long since this happened.
May 21st, 2009 at 04:14
Courtni, you are a fuckin NUT!!!!!
hahahahahahahaahahahahaha
LivingWicked Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 08:08
Are you really that surprised?
Cassie Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 08:19
nothing you say or do surprises me much any more!! hahahahahaha
LivingWicked Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 08:50
hahahahahahahahaha!
May 21st, 2009 at 04:39
Wow, lmao. That’s awesome.
Jackie’s last blog post..Gooses, Geeses, I want my goose to lay golden eggs for Easter! ~ Veruca Salt
LivingWicked Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 08:08
May 21st, 2009 at 05:20
this is why you are my hero.
Miss Tricky’s last blog post..Ack!
LivingWicked Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 08:08
psh. xoxox
May 21st, 2009 at 05:32
note to self… never do this. that was hilarious!
mylittlebecky’s last blog post..eHow: not to get pregnant TMIT
LivingWicked Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 08:43
I would not recommend it. At all.
May 21st, 2009 at 05:48
Oh… wow. Just, wow.
Well done, that is amazing. HOW did you have the guts to do that? And how did you ever have the guts to leave the house again?
Did you ever go back to that grocery store?
WOW
Blueskies2day’s last blog post..Help
LivingWicked Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 08:44
I don’t really know how to explain it other than if you knew me… it would make sense. I am not afraid to make an ass out of myself… and I am also a really curious person… so … yeah.
May 21st, 2009 at 05:53
I am slightly disturbed by this, yet at the same time I understand how cool it is when your cock flop out and scares an old lady.
justjp’s last blog post..The things I do for friends
LivingWicked Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 08:45
So you have been there!? Was the real blog from yesterday NOT the laughing at the wet old lady… but laughing at the WET old lady???
May 21st, 2009 at 06:28
See, a rookie mistake. If you’d had one hanging down there all your life and it was “SEMI-HARD” as you said, you never would have gone to the store like that in the first place. You’d have taken care of the situation *before* heading out and finished your shopping trip with a happy glow about you.
Kevin’s last blog post..TMI Thursday: A little me time
LivingWicked Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 08:46
And this is further proof that I am not in fact a man. HAHAHAHA
May 21st, 2009 at 06:32
oooooh my GOD that was hysterical!
Courtney’s last blog post..TMI Thursday: Is that a hickey or are you a corpse?
LivingWicked Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 08:48
May 21st, 2009 at 06:35
see? the public adjustment is an art form. it takes years to perfect.
f.B’s last blog post..name your price
LivingWicked Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 08:48
*hangs head in shame*
I shoulda known….
May 21st, 2009 at 06:50
The fact that you did this BY YOURSELF and not with a bunch of friends to see reactions is possibly the greatest part. you’re a fascinating girl.
SLG’s last blog post..TMI Thursday: Shit smarter!
LivingWicked Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 08:50
I never even thought to bring anyone. In fact… the first time I ever told my husband was last night. The whole story anyway.
May 21st, 2009 at 07:16
Are you & D happily married? cause I think I might love you (in a sad, sad, twisted kinda way)
LivingWicked Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 08:50
We are, yes. But thank you for loving me the way you do.
May 21st, 2009 at 07:30
I don’t even know what to say.
Oh.my.god.
Breezy’s last blog post..The One Where I’m In A Mood
LivingWicked Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 08:50
LMFAO! Have I said too much?!
Breezy Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 09:52
LOL I really just didn’t know what to say, it was THAT awesome.
Breezy’s last blog post..The One Where I’m In A Mood
LivingWicked Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 10:03
Awwwww..
May 21st, 2009 at 09:17
LOL Love it.
LivingWicked Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 09:21
May 21st, 2009 at 09:23
This is completely giggle-worthy. COMPLETELY! I’m imagining your terror at the poor woman’s confusion! It’s glorious!
Jaime @ Fast Times’s last blog post..&@#$%!
LivingWicked Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 09:26
I just was not expecting it. HAHA. Like, it would have been tragic any way I would have tried to spin it.
“NO! It is TOTALLY fake! Come feel!!!” Tragic.
Jaime @ Fast Times Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 09:46
I’d have touched it.
Jaime @ Fast Times’s last blog post..&@#$%!
LivingWicked Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 09:55
I would have poked you with it.
Jaime @ Fast Times Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 09:57
YES!!!!!
Jaime @ Fast Times’s last blog post..&@#$%!
LivingWicked Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 10:09
You are an undercover perv and I love it.
Jaime @ Fast Times Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 10:25
I’ve been called a lot of things, but a perv is definitely not one of them.
There’s always a first for everything, right?! :]
Jaime @ Fast Times’s last blog post..&@#$%!
LivingWicked Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 10:41
So true. I think I am bringing the freak in you out into public. LMFAO.
May 21st, 2009 at 09:28
Hilarious. Just so you know, totally would have grabbed your junk -winkwinknudgenudge-
LivingWicked Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 09:32
I knew this already. *winkwink*
May 21st, 2009 at 10:38
LMAO! Sooo glad you shared that!
Thanks!!
LivingWicked Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 10:41
Was it worth all of the guesses?!
Danelle Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 15:44
Yessss…. now I wanna hear the fisting one. lol
LivingWicked Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 15:51
That one is a little explicit.
LivingWicked’s last blog post..TMI Thursday: If I Were A Boy
May 21st, 2009 at 10:59
Oh Jesus I can’t believe you never told me about that. I just laughed so hard I literally have tears. TEARS.
Just A Girl’s last blog post..TMI Thursday: Triple Ex
LivingWicked Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 11:03
I never told ANYONE about this before.
YAY! I am glad you laughed.
May 21st, 2009 at 11:07
dude,you got BALLS errr..penis
LivingWicked Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 11:15
hehehehe.
May 21st, 2009 at 11:27
Oh, whatevs. She probably wanted a piece.
LiLu’s last blog post..TMI Thursday: How to Save Your Teenage Daughter $500
LivingWicked Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 11:36
You just say that because you know you would have.
I would have chased the likes of you around the store with it. That is, until I got picked up by the police, charged with a sex crime… and made to register.
Boo.
LiLu Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 11:38
I kind of want a mug shot, though. That’d be bad ass.
LiLu’s last blog post..TMI Thursday: How to Save Your Teenage Daughter $500
LivingWicked Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 11:46
would you have the mugshot where you look pretty like paris?
or the one of say… kumari fulbright?
May 21st, 2009 at 11:50
This is so much awesome I don’t even have a word for it.
tobwot’s last blog post..Not all here today
LivingWicked Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 11:52
<3
This makes me smile. :D <-- like this.
May 21st, 2009 at 12:08
Awk-ward…but awesome. This is one thing I don’t think I’d have the balls (ha ha) to pull off without a gaggle of girlfriends around to share in the fun. Too funny!
inkpuddle’s last blog post..PMS, and also, we’re all lazy bums
LivingWicked Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 12:22
May 21st, 2009 at 12:42
Just.Died.Laughing. Choked.To.Death. Couldn’t.Breathe.
LivingWicked Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 15:52
Wasn’t asphyxiation one of your fantasies?
LivingWicked’s last blog post..TMI Thursday: If I Were A Boy
May 21st, 2009 at 14:17
You know that was probably the first cock that old bag had seen in years. You did her a favor, really. Reminded her what one looked like…sort of.
Hillbilly Princess’s last blog post..Chemical Warfare
LivingWicked Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 15:53
Oh yeah it totally was and I totally did.
LivingWicked’s last blog post..TMI Thursday: If I Were A Boy
May 21st, 2009 at 15:15
This is reason #9879463432132165 why I love you.
And my favorite TMI Thursday to date.
Squish’s last blog post..Maybe the Light at the Tunnel’s End
LivingWicked Reply:
May 21st, 2009 at 15:53
Really!?
I feel so special right now. Like, SO special.
LivingWicked’s last blog post..TMI Thursday: If I Were A Boy
May 21st, 2009 at 21:55
I have to call bullshit. At least some part of that story is made up, right? LMAO
LivingWicked Reply:
May 22nd, 2009 at 10:08
Not a single bit of it.
May 22nd, 2009 at 04:01
And I bet you never shopped there again. ROFL.
Becca’s last blog post..More or Less
LivingWicked Reply:
May 22nd, 2009 at 10:10
I never ever went back. HAH!
May 22nd, 2009 at 06:34
ok, so i know this was supposed to be more of a cautionary tale? ….buuuut it kinda sorta makes me want to see what it’s like to walk around w/a penis now.
Alice’s last blog post..TMI Thursday: my underwear needs to come with instructional videos
LivingWicked Reply:
May 22nd, 2009 at 10:10
I recommend it. HAHA
May 22nd, 2009 at 08:51
What can I say that the others haven’t.
This is totally hilarious. Perfect example of one of the many many reasons I love you.
Now, I’m gonna take my penis to the store. I want some lunch.
LivingWicked Reply:
May 22nd, 2009 at 10:11
Be careful of semi’s.