TMI Thursday: A Literal ROFL.
Apr 9, 2009 DUH, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Random, TMI Thursday's, Wicked Wisdoms
I should have a weekly blog that tells Military War Stories. Military Monday…. Hmmmm….
While I ponder that possibility, I will honor my commitment to TMI Thursday by posting one of my most favorite stories of all time.
Long ago… Like, 11 years ago… (God I am old) I was a ‘booter’ in the USN. For my very first deployment, we traveled down the coast to San Diego from Bremerton. If any of you are military brats or ex-military yourself… you already know that San Diego also means Tijuana, Mexico. At that time, the rule was that if you were too young to walk into a bar in San Diego, you were too young to go to TJ.
Did the Border Patrol check our ID’s? Uhhh… No. *wink*
So as soon as we heard Liberty Call, we were on the bus to TJ. What the Captain didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him. Right!?
Little did we young’ns know, it was Ladies Night at all of the bars in TJ. So when us ladies ordered Long Island Iced Teas… they were automatically poured as doubles. I did not know this. I had 8. I remember the number because my partner in crime at the time kept counting out loud whenever I was passed another.
“OMG! Courtni! THAT IS YOUR 8th DRINK! EIGHT!”
“Bitch I know how many motherf*cking drinks I have had. Shit. Are you my momma!? I miss my mom.”
Not only were we involved in the double pounder LIIT’s, we also did the “Tequila-From-The-Bottle-Straight-Down-The-Throat-Limbo” These guys who worked there walked around offering these “straight shots” for $5 all night.
I didn’t participate in ANY of these shots. I promise!!!!! <— lying.
Anyway, there came a point in the night after dancing my cute little 19 year old ass off in a miniskirt where it was melt-down time.
*GASP*
I know, right!?
I am going to break this down exactly the way I remember it going down. Wannahearithearitgoes.
Queue the imagination to me, dialing my MOM from MEXICO at 2AM on a Thursday.
Mom: “Hello?” (groggy as fuck)
Me: “OhmomIloveyousomucchhhhhhh”
Mom: “Courtni!? Are you ok?”
Me: “MommmmIamwastedinMexicoomgIwannacomehomeeeeeeeeee”
Mom: “Are you actually calling me wasted at 3am on a Thursday right now?!”
Me: “Is that not okay?” (All of a sudden I felt and probably sounded sober)
Mom: “Go to bed.”
Me: “Okay.”
Click.
Me: “Damn. That bitch hung up on me. Biiiiitch.”
My ass (literally) sat down on the sidewalk (in downtown TJ… GROSS) and cried. Shut up.
Somehow, my Partner-in-Crime persuaded me into a cab. I don’t remember this conversation, I just remember being in the cab.
Me: “Stop touching me.” (she was rubbing my back)
PIC: “Sorry. I was just trying to make you feel better.”
Me: “It makes me want to puke.”
PIC: “My bad.”
1 minute later
Me: “STOP!”
PIC: “What!? I am not even touching you!”
Me: “Noooooo! Stop the cab! I am gonna …”
I opened the door to the cab, laid my head out the door and puked. The cab never stopped. And, all of the people who I was stationed with were walking back to the border… clowning on my situation. I am pretty sure they got a couple of “fuck you’s” in between pukes… but I don’t know. Mostly there was a shit ton of laughter in my general direction.
Normally, the story would be over here. It is not.
We get to where the ship was docked. Being that I was on a huge Aircraft Carrier, there was this long, steep stairwell from land to the Hangar Deck. The mission was to get my drunk, barely able to stand up ass up the stairs and past the Officer on Duty. All I needed to do was hold my ID and say “Permission to come aboard”
Sounds easy, right?!
Queue your imagination to a person on either side of me, holding me up. Then think about me, ID in hand, practicing “Permission to come aboard” all the way up the stairs.
“Puhmishon tah comaboard. No.”
“Missiontocomeaboardd. No.”
“PERmission to come aboard”
“PerMISSION to come ABOARD.”
“Permission TO come aboard”
So I get up there, stand in front of the Officer on Duty, and hold my ID up like I did every single day. He is looking at me. My friends are subtly trying to remind me why in the fuck I was standing there. Because I straight up forgot.
What did I do? I fell the fuck out. Laughing. Like, literally rolling around on the Hangar Deck laughing my drunk ass off. Do I need to remind you that I was also wearing a mini skirt? I showed my vag to a good percentage of men on this boat. (I haven’t worn panties for years.) I remember for several months after… I would get whispers. And I would think to myself… “Those guys saw my crochandmore!”
I do not remember any of this. It has all been retold to me by who? The Officer of the Day. Turns out, he was my BOSS. Riiiiight. So, when I tried to waltz in to work the next morning, hungover, smelling like a mixture of vomit and a walking Long Island Iced Tea as if nothing ever happened… I had another thing coming.
Boss: “Good Morning Seaman Kenyon. (shutthefuckupialreadyknowseamanisfunny) You have fun on liberty last night?”
Me: “Yes sir, but I think I got food poisoning.”
Boss: “Is that why you have vomit on the side of your face right now?”
(I literally woke up and threw on my uniform. No shower. No nothing.)
Me: “Uhhh….” (F*CK)
Boss: “Go clean yourself up and get to work. You owe me one. Remember that.”
Can I get a “FML”?!?!
Did this spark any TMI stories for you?
How about FML situations?
Happy TMI Thursday!!!
Tags: boss, Bremerton, Deployment, drunk dial, FML, Long Island Iced Tea, Mexico, Military, party, permission to come aboard, San Diego, Taxi, Tequila, Tijuana, TMI Thursday, USN
April 9th, 2009 at 09:27
NOPE, but that sure was funny…wish I had seen that cause I would have laughed my ass off at you too, ya drunkard!!!!! haahahhahaahah
LivingWicked Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 09:33
I would have laughed too if I would have seen myself! HA HA HA.
April 9th, 2009 at 09:32
OK–now I’m going to stop lying….there are TONS of drunk stories, but none of them involve me showing my vag to anyone, let alone a whole ships worth of men! hehehehehe
there are two or three that stand out….once, I decided to sleep in my neighbor’s yard…why? cause I didn’t like them. HEY, it made sense at 3:00 in the morning to a very drunk Cassie.
once, I almost died….I was drunk, sitting on a small cliff in a chair that was leaning….I fell and rolled, but was stopped by a tree.
then there was the time I got wasted and decided that the whiskey made me really bad ass…..yeah, not so much!!!
LivingWicked Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 09:35
I KNEW YOU WERE FULL OF IT!!!!!!!!
It was NOT the entire ship dammit! Only a PERCENTAGE.
OMG CASS! A tree saved your life!!!!! That shit is scary.
Cassie Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 09:41
I don’t I would have DIED, but we were 30-40′ up, so it would have hurt alot, if not for the tree!!! lol
LivingWicked Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 09:45
You wouldnt have hurt til the next day.
April 9th, 2009 at 09:32
This is great. You poor thing!!!!
Jaime @ Fast Times’s last blog post..Twilight down, next up: Harry Potter!
LivingWicked Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 09:36
It was all self-induced. No pity on this girl. LMAO.
Jaime @ Fast Times Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 10:25
One time I drunk dialed my mom at 11pm on a Friday night. She thought it was funny, and so did Mike and Erik. Two beers will do me in!
Jaime @ Fast Times’s last blog post..Twilight down, next up: Harry Potter!
LivingWicked Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 10:26
WOOO! 11PM Drunk Dial!!! You are BADASS!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Jaime @ Fast Times Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 10:32
I know. I’m so hardcore. :]
LivingWicked Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 10:36
Like, WOAH.
Scared of YOU! ROF!!!!!!!!!!!
April 9th, 2009 at 09:34
You have the best stories!
Ok, I hate underwear too, but bare in a mini-skirt?!? I couldn’t do it. Mostly because the idea of sitting down with my naked vag touching where someone else has had their sweaty ass grosses me out.
Dizzy Girl Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 09:36
I second April’s point.
LivingWicked Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 09:37
I dont sit at dance clubs. I DANCE at dance clubs.
LivingWicked Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 09:38
Oh and it wasnt mini like the bottom of my ass was hanging out of it. It was more mini like mid thigh. TYVM!
Just A Girl Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 09:39
You sat ON THE STREET.
Just A Girl’s last blog post..TMI Thursday: Stanky…leg?
LivingWicked Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 09:42
I WAS WASTED.
bitch.
April Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 09:47
Hey, I wasn’t judging, just saying I couldn’t do it. I have to sit at some point in the night. Preferably not on the street.
LivingWicked Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 09:48
I have hate for you. HAHAHAHAHA!
April 9th, 2009 at 09:35
my favorite part?
Are you my momma!? I miss my mom.”
LivingWicked Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 09:38
HAHAHAH. You know that is exactly why I ended up calling her.
April 9th, 2009 at 09:40
I will forever refer to my nether regions as “crochandmore.”
You’re welcome.
Happy TMI Thursday!
LiLu’s last blog post..TMI Thursday: I’m a Bit *Moist* In The Pants
LivingWicked Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 09:46
You should because it is AWESOME!
<3
Ditto babe.
April 9th, 2009 at 10:38
You called your mom and showed your boss your Vag? OMG! BWAHAHAHAHAHA
I don’t think any of my drunk stories could top this one.
LivingWicked Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 10:43
Yep. In the SAME night.
The funny thing is, this is a drop in the bucket of all of the stupid things I have done while drunk.
Heh.
tinyshrimp Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 12:09
I think the worst thing I’ve ever done while drunk is participate in a better bodies contest at a club. I stripped down to my panties and bra. Didn’t realize they had videoed it until this next week when they replayed it.
LivingWicked Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 12:13
OHHHHH NO!!!!!!!!!!
(dont ever run for politics.)
tinyshrimp Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 12:15
Dang it! I was planning on running for president in the next elections.
LivingWicked Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 12:38
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
April 9th, 2009 at 10:53
Ok that was the sexiest thing I have ever read!!
I want you now!! LMAO!
LivingWicked Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 10:54
which part?
The sitting on the sidewalk with no panties or the puke on my face?!
Punisher Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 11:15
that whole story was the cure for a hard-on if i ever read one. lol
LivingWicked Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 11:57
HA HA HA! I usually have more “raising” stories than this.
April 9th, 2009 at 10:57
I have no drunken stories….well, I mean, a LOT of people have seen my boobs, apparently I am an exposer LMFAO. But I did not drunk dial anyone.
But I do love seamen. Well, A seaman. and his semen. Bitch shoulda swallowed though or she wouldn’t have gotten knocked up LMFAO.
My mom drunk dials me allthefuckingtime.
I can totally see the look on your mom’s face when you called her LMFAO
LivingWicked Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 10:59
oh she clowns me to this day about it.
April 9th, 2009 at 11:20
*snort*
I cannot wait to go partying with your ass…LMAO
PQ’s last blog post..TMI Thursday: Ka-Pow
LivingWicked Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 11:58
Me neither. We are gonna be TROUBLE.
April 9th, 2009 at 11:28
Straight up awesome story! Thought about the song, “in the navy.”
JustJP’s last blog post..Gas Chamber
LivingWicked Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 12:00
HAHAHAH, Right?!
April 9th, 2009 at 17:32
I had friends who thought it would be HILARIOUS to tie me to a chair in the eighth grade while I was asleep and leave me on the local public high school’s football field in my catholic school uniform a bit before practice. Yeahhh the coach knew me and found it so funny he laughed and had the boys hoist me onto the bleachers to be the mascot. They are so lucky I’m sucha sport. .
LivingWicked Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 21:02
oh my god. no shit. ?
you are better than me. that is all I will say.
April 9th, 2009 at 17:59
LMFAO!!! That was great! Makes me feel better about my drunken skeletons in my closet
I have this incredible knack for drinking WAY too much and puking like its mah birthday… yup 
For example… my husband just after we started dating took me to Pittsburgh to meet his whole family at his annual family reunion. I proceeded to BE MYSELF and get wiped ass drunk and make and complete fool out of myself the majority of the day. Then to round off the night, when we strolled into his Mama’s house at 4 in the morning, I sat in my father in-laws lap (ok FELL) and passed the f out! yup! 
Nobody will EVER let me forget that. EVER! 
Cassi’s last blog post..Parking Failure
LivingWicked Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 21:02
HA HA HA.
Why does this not surprise me one bit.
April 9th, 2009 at 19:46
I actually have a few good stories. Wonder Woman.
But I really liked yours. I’ll leave it at that.
LivingWicked Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 21:04
Why wont you share one!?
April 10th, 2009 at 04:32
you got so lucky if all’s your superior did was tell you to go get washed off and get to work. i woulda been regretting it.
i’ve had some bad experiences where i’ve drank two shots of cuervo… lets just say i forgot to go to the bathroom before leaving the bar. boy was i glad no cop stopped me (and funny bit, i had to walk right past the police station to go home).
when i was drunk, i actually help save a friend from going to jail b/c some bitch pushed her over a railing.
Mz Christy Reply:
April 11th, 2009 at 01:36
When I was 19 I lived in Bellingham. My parents still fought each qtr over who should pay tuition for me. I said, f*** Bellingham, the drinking age is 19 in Canada. My first night with my friends at a club in Surrey, Canada, just over the border was a ngt to remember….
I drank 18 shots and this was back when I weighed 148 pounds and then I drank two pitchers of beers some guy bought me in the bar after I danced in a cage with two of my dorm mates….
Needless to say I had to be carried out of the bar. I vaguely remember a bartender cramming bread down my throat. I also remember the cab ride and peeing over a freeway railing at the border. (Things were slightly more lax 11 years ago).
All I remember about the next day was people pounding on my dorm room door to make sure I was “okay.”
Oh, Canada!
April 13th, 2009 at 14:51
<– doesn’t know what FML situations are…