Out of X’s Mouth (With a Dash of Charli)
Apr 21, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Family, Masturbate-able, Parenting, Random, Wicked & D Quotables, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms, Yum... or Lack There Of., love
Xavier thinks that he is soooo funny. I am pretty sure that we have a little stand up comedian on our hands.
The other day, we were out having lunch. X is getting to the age of knowing what he wants, and I dont need to hold his hand through it. I like this fact.
Most of the time anyway.
X: “Mom can I order my own food?”
Me: “Do you know what comes in it?”
X: “Yeah. It’s just yakisoba.”
Me: “Then I don’t care, go ahead.”
Waitress: “What can I get for you?”
X: “Can I get chicken yakisoba? With extra broccoli?” (read it and weep beezos. my kid eats veggies.)
Waitress: “Sure, anything else?”
X: “Can you please bring me some Cock Sauce?”
Waitress: “Uhm… what?”
Me: *snort* “Sriracha. He meant to say Sriracha.”
(D has tears streaming down his face as she walked away.)
X: “Mom that is not what you call it! You call it COCK SAUCE!”
Me: “Stop yelling. The actual name is Sriracha, Xavier.”
X: “Why are you teaching me wrong things to say!? How embarrassing.”
Me: “Sorry, it is just easier to pronounce.”
X: “SREE RAH CHAH! That was easy.”
(both D and X are dying laughing at this point)
Me: (evil eye) “I hate you both.”
This led me to remember this one time when we were out at the Cheesecake Factory. Xavier was maybe 5 years old… and he kept trying to say “Maserated Berries” … which are the berries that you have when you make strawberry shortcake. He was begging me to order it so that we could “share it” (which really means that he wanted to eat all of the berries and ice cream and leave me with a soggy fucking biscuit.)
Cute Waiter Boy: “How was everything?”
Me: “Really good. Thank you.”
CWB: “Can I interest you in some dessert?”
X: “Please mommy!?! Please please please please?”
Me: (ignoring him)”D, are you ordering any cheesecake?”
D: “Uh, Duh!”
Me: “What are you gonna get?”
D: (playing into my game) “Ummmmmmm…….”
X: (not-so-silently-praying)
D: “I will have Fresh Strawberry.”
CWB: “Good choice. And for you?”
Me: “I will have the strawberry shortcake.”
X: (Jumping up, yelling) “YES! MASTERBATED BERRIES!”
I didnt know whether to laugh or crawl under the table.
*sigh* I thought the CBW was going to pass out because he was trying to hold in his laughter that hard. Like, his face turned beat fucking red… and he managed to muster out a statement like “IwillberightbackIamgonnaputyourdessertorderin” as he ran to the back of the restaurant to LHFAO in private.
Whatever. I can’t blame him. Who doesn’t think an 8 year old shouting out “MASTURBATED BERRIES” is fucking hilarious?!
The uptight table next to us, that’s who.
Even tonight this child had me cracking the hell up:
Me: (grimacing) “OH MY GOD! YOUR FEET ARE RANCIT!”
X: “Huh?!” <— the apple doesnt fall far from the tree, does it?
Me: “I am tearing up. Your feet smell like a sweaty fart.”
Charli: (Pointing at X’s feet) “Foot! Fart!”
X: “My feet smell like strawberries!”
Me: “If strawberries smell like sour fart milk maybe!”
X: “Stop making fun of me!”
Me: “Wash your butt feet!”
Charli: “Butt! Foot!”
X: “MY FEET DO NOT STINK!”
Me: “Smell them. Tell me that they dont stink after you stick a toe in your face.”
X: (smelling his feet and gagging simultaneously) *cough*”They smell like lemons!!” *cough”
Me: “They smell like butt. And Vinegar.”
X: “And LEMONS!”
Me: “What butt have you ever smelled that smelled like lemons?!”
X: “YOU ARE SO MEAN!” (runs off to take a shower.)
Charli: (pounding on the door of the bathroom) “BROTHER! BUTT! FOOT! FAAART!”
Hahahahahahahahaha. I cannot wait until Charli can say full sentences. I will pass on the make-fun-of-Xavier-torch to her with full confidence that she will represent in a proper and skin-crawling-under-manner.
*sigh* I love my kids.
What is the funniest thing that you have ever heard or heard of a kid say in public?!
What is your favorite dessert?
Tags: cheesecake, cheesecake factory, dessert, fart, kids, Parenting, restaurant, strawberries, strawberry shortcake, uptight
April 21st, 2009 at 23:06
One time, at a past Pizzeria Job, when I was in full cult leader looking metal mode, this child asked her father really loudly if I was a Viking!? I bellowed what could be best described as a hearty laugh which made the child happy and her father look mortified.
LivingWicked Reply:
April 21st, 2009 at 23:09
HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!
Way to play into the kids imagination. That, even though the dad was mortified, made that kids day. For all you know, his dad is one of the dads out there that tells his kid that having an imagination is not a logical or realistic thing. Ya know?
April 21st, 2009 at 23:35
No doubt.
I still have fond memories of that. Ah Kids.
LivingWicked Reply:
April 22nd, 2009 at 07:51
Arent they great!?
April 22nd, 2009 at 04:32
What is the funniest thing that you have ever heard or heard of a kid say in public? You know my friends Jeff and Kay…they have two children, Simmone and Joshie. When Josh was about 5-6, the movie Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back was popular.
Sitting in Bennigan’s one day, Joshie slams down his fork, and claims “I AM THE CLIT COMMANDER, I AM THE MASTER OF THE CLIT!…..”
HE WENT THROUGH THE ENTIRE SPIEL!!!!! hahahahahahahahahahaha IN A FAMILY RESTURANT! ON A SUNDAY!
NEVER laughed that hard, EVER in my life when they told me that story.
What is your favorite dessert? Either homemade lemon ice box pie OR Bayou Goo from the House of Pies in Houston OR Red Velvet cake with homemade cream cheese icing…..YUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
LivingWicked Reply:
April 22nd, 2009 at 07:53
OH. MY. GOD. LMFAO!!!!!!!!
What did the ‘rents do???
Cassie Reply:
April 22nd, 2009 at 08:04
Jeff ran like a little bitch and Kay calmed him down!!! lol
LivingWicked Reply:
April 22nd, 2009 at 08:06
HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!!
Anne Reply:
April 22nd, 2009 at 09:02
ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
April 22nd, 2009 at 04:33
I think this is doubly funny cause Charli was mocking him as well!! hahahahaha
LivingWicked Reply:
April 22nd, 2009 at 07:53
I know, right!?
April 22nd, 2009 at 04:45
Man. My nephews are awesome, but I’m not the type to get embarrassed and their Mom is a bit more strict. The stuff they do in public is just more kinda awesome. Like throwin devil horn signs (\m/) casually to people. Joel got a base hit the other night at t-ball and after the safe call from the ref, he did the robot. For like 20 seconds. That’s right all you hot single MILFs, that awesome kid is with the guy over here with with orange hair.
LivingWicked Reply:
April 22nd, 2009 at 07:56
I more am embarrassed like people think that I teach him that stuff. You know?
And, I love when kids do that stuff (devil horns at random.) because it subtly throws people off.
April 22nd, 2009 at 05:33
One night at a chineese resturant, Ashley was about 6, they had the paper placemats that had the chineese zodiac on it…she was just reading thru the signs….rabbit, dog, dragon, then all the suddon she comes accross the boar, but didnt read it correctly, and in her loudest voice, yells accross the table…….
“hey daddy…whats a HOAR?”
we were red with embarrasment as the whole resturant stopped eating and looked at us. We knew what she meant…told her it was a BOAR, like a pig.
So there we sat, eyes on us all evening…It was SO funny. We will never forget it.
LivingWicked Reply:
April 22nd, 2009 at 08:02
hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! That is hilarious.
Why is it, that kids say the most inappropriate things at the loudest possible decibels?
DonnaY Reply:
April 22nd, 2009 at 09:18
The REALLY funny part was that she asked her DADDY!!!! LMAO
LivingWicked Reply:
April 22nd, 2009 at 09:54
she knows whats up. HAHA
April 22nd, 2009 at 06:09
So, we are sitting in a restaurant and Lex says, “I reallllly reallllly want some of those crocs that are lined with wool. Soooooo bad.” (she knows I hate them, they make people look like escape damned mental patients)
And I was all “Oh really?”
She goes “Wow It thought you were going to say (and her volume goes up ten decibels) ‘HELL NO!!’ mom.”
And she says it exactly like I would with a southern drawl all loud and indignant where everybody in a ten table radius can hear.
Donnie and I just laugh. I reminded her not to use that kind of language around her grandparents to keep me out of trouble.
When she was four she told another little girl “you pissed me off.” When I asked her why she said it, she replied “you say it to other people”
Can’t really chastise her for that if I do it… so I tell her to be careful because she can upset people if she says it in the wrong place
And it’s always great when your six year old runs through the military mail room singing “Foxtrot UNiform Charlie Kilo”
*sigh*
Your kids are great. KIDS are great.
LivingWicked Reply:
April 22nd, 2009 at 08:03
You know she totally does the F U C K because you do it regularly. HAHAHAHAHA!
I cannot wait to meet her.
April 22nd, 2009 at 06:45
Hi there Courtni! Thank you for stopping by and leaving me comments! I found your blog last week and you have kept me entertained! That is crazy that you chose the exact same picture for your hair color!! I can’t wait to get mine done. Anyhooters….keep on entertaining me!!
XoXo
LivingWicked Reply:
April 22nd, 2009 at 08:04
I plan to. Thanks for reading. Seriously.
April 22nd, 2009 at 07:17
I think everything Spawn says is funny…but I might be biased. I think the best was about 6 months ago when Mr. President was at our place and we were trying to get something to work on his laptop to no avail. I asked The Prez what the problem was and Spawn hollers, clear as a bell,
“What the hell, Marc!”
Bear in mind that 6 months ago Spawn wasn’t saying much of anything so the shock of how he clearly he (sorta) swore cracked us up.
Brother Butt foot fart!!!! Ha!
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LivingWicked Reply:
April 22nd, 2009 at 08:05
HA! What the HELL!? Sounds like he feels comfortable around Mr. Pres. That is rad.
April 22nd, 2009 at 08:19
Im gonna masterbate my berry now. Thanks.
LivingWicked Reply:
April 22nd, 2009 at 08:21
I am going to get better ratings now. Thanks Beau.
April 22nd, 2009 at 08:56
When I was 8, I apparently went around telling the whole world that the only thing my mother would ever give me to eat was Spaghetti-O’s.
Ironically, she tried every night to make me something ELSE for dinner, but I would always insist on those gross little O’s in ketchup sauce.
This story explains so much, no?
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LivingWicked Reply:
April 22nd, 2009 at 09:55
This story explains everything I ever needed to know.
April 22nd, 2009 at 11:04
oh my boys have said SO many things.. not long ago we were at pizza hut actually eating in.. ordering, and while the waiter was still there, Oldest says LOUDLY.. ‘OH! make sure you bring the marijuana sauce with the breadsticks!’..
simple case of misreading brain stumble over tongue thing.. but funny as hell.
then there was the time Hobbit shouted out showing me all the BOOBIES (aka bras) in the store…
oh man. my boys make me laugh..
LivingWicked Reply:
April 22nd, 2009 at 13:30
HAHAHA! In some places it actually IS marijuana sauce. ROF.
April 22nd, 2009 at 11:05
My neice Abby was about 3 when this happened: she and my sister-in-law (who was 7 months pregnant at the time) were in the grocery store. Abby comes running up to my sister-in-law with a box in her hand screaming “Mommy! We need these! We need these!”. My SIL looks at the box – it’s a box of tampons! She tells Abby that of all the people in the store, they are the least likely pair to need tampons! I asked my SIL why she (thought she) needed them so badly. Turns out there was a tampon commercial on TV where the girl was riding a horse. My neice is obsessed with horses and thought tampons were a required accessory
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livingwicked Reply:
April 22nd, 2009 at 11:23
That is a story shared with as many people as possible when she is older. Hahahahahah!
livingwicked’s last blog post..Out of X’s Mouth (With a Dash of Charli)
April 27th, 2009 at 11:56
Since I don’t have kids I don’t have tons of stories to choose from. But I’ll never forget when my ex bf’s 3 year old brother had to have a little operation. He was tongue tied so you couldn’t understand a word he said. Anyway, he was about to get his tongue clipped, they had him on a sedative and for some reason the hospital was quiet at the very moment Sam (the lil bro) looks up and says loudly, “Hey! Wanna see my penis?” The first clear thing he ever said and it was before the tongue clip.
That is awesome that Charli is giving X shit already!!! She’s awesome! Shoot all of you are awesome! ♥♥♥
May 4th, 2009 at 12:50
I, too, love your kids. This is the funniest thing I’ve read all day!!!
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