The Bank of Payback
Mar 22, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Family, Parenting, Ranteriffic, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms
When Xavier gets to the point to where he is talking on the phone… I am going to interrupt his conversations at every opportunity. For absolutely no reason what-so-ever.Especially when he is on an important call. To tell him things like how next year I am going to try to remember to cleanse my colon as often as possible. Just to be safe. I am gonna tap into the call and remind him that I need to make an appointment to get a Brazilian wax. Heh.
Payback’s a bitch. And so am I.
When Charli grows up, I am going to march around her room on the weekends at the ass crack of dawn, banging pots and pans around while I sing made-up songs about how I didn’t get to sleep in on the weekends when she was a baby just long enough to make her really really mad at me. Just long enough to where she cannot fall back asleep. Just long enough to leave the mark.
D and I were talking about the other things that we could do to get her cute little brown butt back. He was dancin’ around the kitchen while free-styling ‘betcha aint sleepin now’ lyrics.
I want to wake her ass up at 3 AM when she is like… 15 and make her do push-ups. Only 25, but push-ups nonetheless.
I think that it would be really funny to fall out in a tantrum in front of her friends. Or in public. Or anywhere other than the privacy of our own home that would simply mortify her… Just randomly spazz out in a scream-fest for no reason. Or, no reason to her… but a serious reason to me.
I would also like to keep embarrassing photos of her. Both of my kids actually. Blown up. Framed. And when they have friends over, replace the normal pictures on the walls with the ones of them in mortify poses with hilarious outfits or facial expressions.
Oooh. Or even, when she is at that age where she hates me soooooooooo much… and wants me to be as far away from her as humanly possible…. insist on sitting RIGHT next to her. Touching her arm, or my leg to her leg. Poking her eyes, and shoving my fingers in her mouth… preferrably in front of her friends.
Now I know what my mom was talking about when she said that I was gonna have one just like me. Only, this time… I am not going to forget the times that all I wanted to do was sleep a couple of extra hours, or just have a little bit of personal space. Just a little. I love my kids, but for fucks sake, I do not like to have them both sitting practically on top of me at every opportunity.
Payback’s a bitch. And so am I.
The Bank of Payback is collecting a shit ton of interest as we speak. I have a seperate account there for payback on actual adults that deserve a little bit of it too. But that is for an entirely different blog.
And, as I end this ha-ha funny blog, Charli sits at her door… knocking and yelling because her stubborn ass doesnt feel like it is her bedtime. The fun never stops in the Wicked household. It never stops.
Do you have an account at TBoPB?
Anything you would ‘like’ to withdraw from the bank and use on them?
Get some.
Tags: account, bank, bitch, drill seargent, mommy, Parenting, payback, payback's a bitch, tantrum, teenager, wish, withdrawl
March 22nd, 2009 at 23:33
it never once occurred to me to do any of this to Lyssa when she is older. as I read your blog though my eyes teared up in joy at the thought of paying my brat back.
I love you for this blog. for the first time ever, I can’t wait until her little mischievous ass grows up.
LivingWicked Reply:
March 23rd, 2009 at 08:12
If you have any suggestions or ideas… SHARE the wealth.! SHARE IT!
Dizzy Girl Reply:
March 23rd, 2009 at 09:58
Since I have never thought of paying her back I will have to think this through. I will share as the ideas come to me. I am pretty sure I will be pouring a glass of water all over her and her bed. at least once to pay her back for the water messes that she causes. She likes to fill up cups from the water dispenser on the fridge. Then she walks around dumpiing the water everywhere because she thinks it’s funny. the worst was a few weeks ago while i was taking a nap though. she climbed herself all the way up to my room with a full cup of water, climbed on top of me, and poured the bitch all over me.
either my mom sucks as a babysitter, or it’s her own little form of payback. After reading this blog I see things in a whole new light and I suspect that my mom allowed it to happen so that she could right some wrong that I did her as a child.
LivingWicked Reply:
March 23rd, 2009 at 10:15
She absolutely DID that on purpose. BWAHAHAHAHAH!
March 23rd, 2009 at 01:35
Mom Blogs – Blogs for Moms…
…
March 23rd, 2009 at 03:29
I’m probably just gonna beat my kids. BEAT THEM INTO SUBMISSION!
LivingWicked Reply:
March 23rd, 2009 at 08:12
When did you decided that you were going to procreate? Cause now I need to rethink my decision to remain alive.
Tori Reply:
March 23rd, 2009 at 10:26
Yeah I haven’t officially decided that. I’m just open to persuasion.
And um fuck you. You know you’re excited to have some unofficial nieces and nephews.
LivingWicked Reply:
March 23rd, 2009 at 10:31
They are totally official. Sisterhood has nothing to do with blood relation.
March 23rd, 2009 at 03:35
lmao. You bet I do. I blogged once about how I thought it should be a crime punishable by a large fine for children to fight before 9am on the weekends, payable on their 18th birthday. We could seriously retire on that money.
Like seriously. A bitch is up at 5am all week long, if you two want to kill each other, at least wait til mama has had some damn coffee.
LivingWicked Reply:
March 23rd, 2009 at 08:14
What kind of fine are we talkin? Like 100 large?
AMEN SISTAH! And this is why I will be doin a jig when she is 15 years old. Sleep than a mufucka. On a Saturday.
“You can hate me now! But I wont stop now!”
April Reply:
March 23rd, 2009 at 08:24
I know! Just think by the time they are 15 and trying to sleep in we’re at that age (sorry) where we CANNOT sleep past the time the sun rises. Muahhahaha.
It’s gonna be beautiful.
LivingWicked Reply:
March 23rd, 2009 at 08:41
Like birds singing. Angels heard on high.
March 23rd, 2009 at 04:41
HAHAHAHA
I agree with Tori!! LOL
trust when I say , Cassie is a vindictive bitch…..I have shit stored in mah head from 10-12 years ago for my brothers and sisters. It’s funny to walk up and just punch one of them and say, “that is for (insert date and offense here).” It pisses them the fuck off and makes me laugh…..really loud!! LOL
there is really one one person, though that I have a really bad, if I saw her again-I’d knock her out, feeling for and THAT has been brewing since High School!!! lol
LivingWicked Reply:
March 23rd, 2009 at 08:16
Oh WHAT!?
Why? What did she do to make you angry 35 years after high school?
Cassie Reply:
March 23rd, 2009 at 09:15
you tryin to be funny? it’s only been 18 years since I graduated High School!
haven’t seen her since High school, it’s just been brewing THAT long. She was THAT big of a bitch those 3 years of my life!!!
LivingWicked Reply:
March 23rd, 2009 at 09:33
Tryin’? I AM FUNNY, DAMMIT!
Dang. A mean girl?!
Tori Reply:
March 23rd, 2009 at 10:24
Um yeah, I have one of those bitches too. It’s only been 7 years but I’d still pop her one. I was talking about her the other day and this guy I was kind of friends with back then was like “What?? She was a sweetheart!” And I was like “um yeah except when she was busy making my life hell.” That bitch used to make fun of me when I was sitting right there and couldn’t do shit because she had like, 35 friends with her. And at least one of her friends was in every single one of my classes so it never stopped. HATE that girl. She’s lucky I was reaaaaally shy. And that I never caught her alone because I’m HUGE compared to her.
LivingWicked Reply:
March 23rd, 2009 at 10:30
Now you are gangster. You will clown a bitch for even looking sideways!
WHAT WHAT!?
Cassie Reply:
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:01
not really, but mean to me…..one of those that just singled me out cause she knew I wouldn’t fight back!!!
LivingWicked Reply:
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:53
YOU NOT FIGHT BACK!?
Cassie Reply:
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:58
not in high school
<—was PAINFULLY shy in high school!!
were she to look at me crossed-eyed now, I’d knock a bitch OUT
LivingWicked Reply:
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:04
What if I looked at you cross-eyed?
Cassie Reply:
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:18
I have no reason to knock you out. I’d prolly just laugh at you! lol
LivingWicked Reply:
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:23
if you know whats good for you… that is ALL YOUD DO!
Cassie Reply:
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:26
lmao….yeah, OK….I’m STILL not scared a you!!!!
LivingWicked Reply:
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:27
you should be. i am mommy gangsta.
March 23rd, 2009 at 04:57
As soon as the Spawn gets his own place I am coming over to smear poop on everything. Watch.
Cassie Reply:
March 23rd, 2009 at 07:14
LMMFAO!!!!!!!
that would be interesting to watch!! hahahahaha
LivingWicked Reply:
March 23rd, 2009 at 08:17
Em,
Are you trying to get me to spank you?
Cass, Interesting?
Cassie Reply:
March 23rd, 2009 at 09:15
yeah, like I don’t want to watch a grown person smear shit on a wall, but can’t look away type interesting!!!
LivingWicked Reply:
March 23rd, 2009 at 09:34
HA HA HA HA HA!
March 23rd, 2009 at 05:20
I never looked at parenting this way but there is some truth to it.
I just want to use the bathroom without being asked to brush a My Little Ponies hair ~ is that too much for a Mom to ask?
LivingWicked Reply:
March 23rd, 2009 at 08:18
I just want to use the bathroom without Charli pointing and yelling “POOP” even if I am just peeing.
March 23rd, 2009 at 06:39
Is it bad that I’m already cashing in on my paybacks?
Seriously, if they decide to ignore me the first three times I tell them to do something, I ignore them the first time they ask me to buy them something. Givin’ me the cold shoulder? Right back atcha. Mean muggin? I won’t even blink.
The biggest problem I have right now is M being so damn nosy and Kbob deciding to “keep stuff” for other people (aka stealing). I’m gonna read her journal and hide all his toys and tell him they got jacked.
pecosa’s last blog post..Thursday Thirteen ~ Things That Make Me Go “GAH!”
LivingWicked Reply:
March 23rd, 2009 at 08:19
Done and motherfucking Done.
And they cannot say a damn thing because you have “maybe next time you will hear me the first time” , “maybe next time you wont be in my business all the time” . and “maybe next time you wont take peoples shit.”
March 23rd, 2009 at 10:55
I’ll be sure to use an entire roll of toilet paper to clog the toilets at my kids’ houses when they grow up. I’ll also make sure that when I eat over, that I leave my dirty dishes on their kitchen table. I’ll drop hand fulls of cheerios into their toasters. Turn all the lights on in their houses and leave them on. Steal any of the change they have lying around. Stick my finger into the middle of whatever favorite snack they have in their fridge. Dump their dirty laundry baskets over. Rub a bar of soap all over their bathroom mirrors. Spit water out of my mouth all over their beds. Dump my daughter’s makeup out all over the floor and pain the toilet with nail polish. And give them MY cold whenever I get sick, cough on them, sneeze on them and generally be a rude little nasty germ infested bastard.
Yes. I am bitter.
LivingWicked Reply:
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:54
You need to do the day without power thing that I threatened X with last week.
Cold food. Cold showers. No TV. Nothing. See if they leave lights on after that.
March 23rd, 2009 at 13:25
i am laughing.my.ass.off. at this.
gonna hafta take the big cars and trucks over to the boy’s places when they’re sleeping.. and RUN them ALL over the tile! WHEEEE!!
and.and.. teach Daughter’s first to empty the wipes container. one after the other. by the HUNDREDS. yesssss.
OH! go do something outside.. til i get all nasty and gross…
Take a shower at Oldest’s… and leave ALL my nasty clothes ALL over the floor.
And the water IN the tub. For days.
Toothpaste smeared on the sink? Check.
Liquid soap played in and emptied? check.
Floss-Lasso tied around doorknobs? check.
…
And then I’m gonna go get a gallon of Axe and saturate his house with it.
oh my. My Bank of Payback has had lots of deposits. lol
LivingWicked Reply:
March 23rd, 2009 at 14:01
A GALLON OF AXE!
I am pretty sure it will already be saturated. LMFAO!!!!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAH
March 23rd, 2009 at 14:54
Hahahaha… BwAHhahahahaha.. ohmygoddess.
I’m STILL wiping the tears off my face. I love you! This was fucking hilarious!
LivingWicked Reply:
March 23rd, 2009 at 15:20
I am glad to have made you laugh.
March 23rd, 2009 at 16:24
For months I threatened to put Perrin in a frilly dress, ribbons and barrettes and take tons of pictures to show his prom date. He’s still young enough and embracing the Terrible Twos way too soon. This could be done.
… Hmm, I actually do/did have a camera phone shot of him with all sorts of girlie shit in his hair; his cousin got a hold of him while all the adults were out of the room. I should find that.
LivingWicked Reply:
March 23rd, 2009 at 16:53
never.ever.ever.get.rid.of.that.pic.
March 23rd, 2009 at 18:28
I don’t know how many of you watch Family Guy but, on this one episode Stewie kept bugging Louis by saying “Mom, Mom, mommie, louis, mom , mommy” when she finally screams “WHAT” he says “HI” and runs off laughing – I am so doing that to my boys when they get older…..mainly when thier friends are around!
Mostly to my 4 year old as he loves to do that when I am on the phone…..
LivingWicked Reply:
March 23rd, 2009 at 19:41
That episode was fucking FUNNY. Classic for sure. <3
March 31st, 2009 at 04:34
Great quality stuff.