Lost In MommyHood
Jan 4, 2009 Family, Parenting, Relationships, Thoughts and Perceptions
Does it happen? Losing yourself in your most important role ever? Absolutely.
When I first had X and stayed at home, I lost myself. I became angry and resentful of anyone and everyone who had more of a life than I did. Especially other moms who had regained their independence. It made me sad that I had lost my sense of independence and self confidence that was a huge part of my existence prior to conception.
It probably took me 2-3 years before I figured it out. It also took a defining point in my marriage before D realized how important it was for me to regain my independence and feeling of self worth again.
Many times we as mommies forget the fact that we are neglecting the simplest of needs because when the switch is flipped on… there is no turning it off again. (Don’t believe me? Ask anyone who knows me. I worry about many of my single friends as if they were my own kids. I cant help it. It just is what it is.) As I was saying, it is like something within us turns off when the internal mommy switch is turned on. I don’t think that the switch is a bad thing, it is just that it is hard to find the balance between our beautiful 2nd (sometimes 3rd) jobs as moms and our original awesome, independent selves.
Sometimes we just need to shut it off.
If you are in a committed relationship with someone, this is a huge part of staying healthy with one another. They need to know when you need to go. Even if ‘go’ means in the bathroom with a good book and a hot bath for 45 minutes, or if it means hopping in the car and finding a consignment store to blow $20. Whatever it is that mommy needs to do to regain her sense of self… is what mommy does.
A ‘woo-saw’ moment, if you will.
This requires the right amount of communication and middle ground possible with your partner. If they are unable to figure it out, and give you what it is that you need… especially if you are offering to give them the time that they need… (and probably already get, given the fact that they are men and do not have the same kind of switch mommies have.) If they are not able to give you that… there are deeper issues than this that need to be resolved.
If you are a single mommy… or if you feel as if you might as well be one… (which unfortunately is more often than not…) I suggest adjusting your mommy time to when your kids pass out or before they open their eyes and start their days. Plan for 30 minutes where you are not packing lunches or paying bills. Where you aren’t worrying about getting Brat 1 to soccer in time to drop Brat 2 at piano lessons. Set an alarm to remind yourself that this is “Anne” time. Not mommy time. Or, try to find another mommy in your similar predicament to swap duties with. Even if it is meeting the other mommy somewhere near the nail salon, and taking turns getting pedis while the other takes the kids to the park.
Here are some suggestions for regaining some of that individual energy:
Yoga/Meditation
Go for a walk.
Read.
Pick up an old hobby, or find a new one.
Take a class.
Take a long hot bath.
Join the gym
Pedis/Manis (if you are cash strapped, they sell fairly cheap pedi kits that are reusable.)
Call and catch up with friends.
See a movie.
Take a nap.
Go for a drive.
Have lunch with yourself or friends.
Masturbate.
GIRLS NIGHT!
The bottom line is that this time is uninterrupted time. Unless the house is burning to the ground or a child is on their way to the ER… they can be without you for a couple of hours.You need to train them to accept it. Mold their little brains (partner’s included) to just roll with the punches. Life goes on when you are not present and at the beck and call of those who think that they need you.
My last piece of mommy advice is that this needs to be consistant. You need to not wait until mommy melt-down to escape. Preventing the melt-down is key. The entire household dynamic will drastically improve. Sex life, mood, sleep, all of it will improve.
Even if you arent a mommy:
Have you ever felt lost from yourself?
What do you do to deflate and regain YOU again when you feel lost?
Tags: children, communication, hobby, indepenance, mommy, Parenting, role
January 4th, 2009 at 18:43
I get up early to start my day in peace with no interruptions from the kiddos. It is so important to have that time to myself or I am little miss grumpy all morning.
LivingWicked Reply:
January 4th, 2009 at 19:39
Being that I am not a morning person, the evenings are my time.
I have found that with school, my drives home work out the best. Sometimes with music, sometimes without.
Either way… it is mine.
January 4th, 2009 at 19:19
I have been feeling so incredibly lost with myself these last few months, nothing I do seems to be helping to get myself through it, I think I’m having a bit of an “OMG I’m about to turn 30 and nothing in my life has gone to plan” moments and I have this feeling that until I pass the day itself I am going to continue feeling lost. I can’t even pinpoint where I lost myself, I used to write, I used to host fabulous dinner parties where I would make the most spectacular meals for my friends, somewhere along the way I stopped doing any of that, I barely even cook for myself anymore and I love to cook… and as for writing, I cannot even find that vein anymore for some reason, I just can’t find the story.
LivingWicked Reply:
January 4th, 2009 at 19:40
I have found that if you stop trying… it usually falls into place.
Especially with writing. I dont try to write anymore. Either it comes out, or it doesnt.
January 4th, 2009 at 21:47
yeah .. I am going to have to find some time to sit down and just free associate… see what happens… am just feeling frustrated with my whole life at the moment..
LivingWicked Reply:
January 4th, 2009 at 22:16
even if it is 5 minutes to jot down thoughts.
January 4th, 2009 at 22:42
Yes … I’m resolved to keep a journal I think …I haven’t done that in a long time, I always start and never keep up with it, might go out this week and buy myself a new journal, see what happens
LivingWicked Reply:
January 4th, 2009 at 22:55
you know, I got a spiral notebook a few months ago. i carry it with me, in my purse wherever i am… and I write any and everything that sparks.
Mini scenarios
2 lines of a poem
A quote I hear
My observations of people.
Anything that I could use in the future.
Kylie Reply:
January 5th, 2009 at 00:58
I used to do that all the time… had so many notepads lying around everywhere, would carry one in my bag etc. I just lost my way there somewhere. But I’m determined, 2009 is going to be my year to start doing the things I love again and that is one of the things I am going to put right… I know it’s all in there locked away somewhere, and I know I have a talent, I was told often enough, by people in the know including published authors.
LivingWicked Reply:
January 5th, 2009 at 11:38
i am here if you need motivation.
January 5th, 2009 at 02:46
Point the first, I spit coffee.
Point the second, everything you wrote — beautifully, I might add — makes perfect sense. The key I’m absorbing right now is consistency.
Keith is good. Well, he’s getting good and better. In tiny bits and bobbles, he’s realized — since I was laid off — that I really could use more of his participation in the parenting process. We finally FULLY share bedtime responsibilities. When he’s not working, he’s more inclined to cook dinner or bring it home.
I didn’t fully appreciate the mandatory alone time I was given until the day after…when we left a nice mall and I didn’t realize until too late that I hadn’t gone in a single store just for myself. We hit up Disney for my son while Keith went off and did his thing for a bit. I was the one that neglected me. That sucked.
Hopefully, my nonsense and your thoughts will help me make better choices in the future.
I puffy heart you; with squigglies and tiaras!
LivingWicked Reply:
January 5th, 2009 at 11:41
at which part???
I think you are rounding the corner to demanding what you need. The key is to do it in a way that doesnt seem demanding to the person whom you are demanding it from.
I puffy heart you squared.
January 5th, 2009 at 05:58
I used to laugh at these kinds of mommies, but then my youngest sister became one….she is learning to let go and let others do FINALLY so she can relax a bit.
I usually don’t have that problem…..but these past few weeks have found me hella restless…..1)b/c it has rained almost every day and I cannot get any work done on my property……2) b/c I’m already totally geeked about the end of February!
LivingWicked Reply:
January 5th, 2009 at 11:42
Yeah. Restless sucks. I hate it when I have so much to do and literally am unable to get it done.
If you mention the end of Feb one more time.
Cassie Reply:
January 5th, 2009 at 11:45
seeeeeee, I was gonna be a big ole bitch and just type ‘end of Feb.’ over and over and over again, but I refrained cause I know how much you wanna. LMMFAO If I could get you here, I SOOOOOOOO would!
I COULD get it done, if the weather would cooperate, DANGIT!!!
LivingWicked Reply:
January 5th, 2009 at 11:52
thanks for putting your inner cunt in your pocket.
Cassie Reply:
January 5th, 2009 at 11:55
you are more than welcome!!!! HAHHAHAHAHAHA
January 5th, 2009 at 09:06
I’ve felt lost a lot. A LOT. I think I finally found a little something to keep me busy though. Distracted from the daily kid grind. It’s not what I wanted, but it’s a substitute until I get what I DO want.
LivingWicked Reply:
January 5th, 2009 at 11:43
What is that, pray tell?
January 5th, 2009 at 10:25
This makes a lot of sense even to a non-mommy. It makes a lot of sense from a relationship standpoint. Women give and give, and most often without even thinking once (let alone twice) about how much they give because to someone like me it’s just part of who I am. There comes a time when you need to just stop and take a few minutes to yourself, even if at first it feels like you’re neglecting everything else, because it’s hard to understand that you’re allowed to neglect everything except yourself when no one tells you that from the get-go.
Great blog babe.
LivingWicked Reply:
January 5th, 2009 at 11:44
It is hard to understand when and when it is not okay to let everything else go… when it is okay to take 5 minutes to breathe for yourself.
I hope you take heed and remember to come and re-read this when you lose your way.
You GOTTA do you, or at the end of your life, you will be more empty than you could have ever imagined.
Jaime Reply:
January 5th, 2009 at 12:48
You are so wise and wonderful!
LivingWicked Reply:
January 5th, 2009 at 12:58
Thanks babe.
January 5th, 2009 at 13:31
First things First….where the F have I been? Your site looks beautiful baby! How do you find all the time? I hope you don’t mind but I linked you in my blogspot blog. Also I am a total douchebag friend/cyber-lover for not finding more time to read you. (I swear to you that an at home internet connection is imminent and I will therefore be able to really read) Okay business aside….
When Mr. President and I first started getting to know eachother he asked me a very simple question:
“What do YOU do? Like, for yourself…..”
I was all….for who now? Who is this Miss Tricky you have mentioned? It occurred to me then that my son was 3 effing years old and I still wasn’t doing anything “for me”. It also occurred to me that while BigBad was around I somehow made plenty of time to deal with all of his bullshit. Shame on me!
Anyway..he’s 3 and a half now-I am not much better at it. It’s a 2009 resolution although I find that working out (even in the living room with him sitting on me while I do tummy work) and cooking keep me focused on something other than poopy diapers. And never tell me I said it but cultivating a new romantic relationship has reminded me that I’m a person too.
Did I just overshare?
Miss Tricky’s last blog post..Resolved….
LivingWicked Reply:
January 5th, 2009 at 13:53
I didnt even know you were on blogspot, so I should say the same about being a not good cyberlover. Although, I am gonna add you onto the email sub list, so you will never have the i forgot excuse.
I really suggest finding an inexpensive gym membership. Even at the Y, they do memberships on sliding pay scales… and they have childcare there. It will really give you that hourish of you time, and give him some play time as well.
You never can over share here babay.
January 5th, 2009 at 15:44
Holey Moley Batman…
That thing turns OFF??
…
why in na hell didn’t anyone friggin tell me??
*sigh*
j/k rofl. i spent so long with that thing on auto-perma-on, that now i have a Honey that GETS it, he really tries to make sure I get that time. Funny, he REALLY appreciates the ME-me side *wink* lol… maybe even a tad more than Momma-me. rofl
LivingWicked Reply:
January 5th, 2009 at 21:05
it doesnt have a timer set… but yes. it does turn off.
I wonder WHY he appreciates the less mommy-y side of you. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.
January 5th, 2009 at 16:05
I went out with my girlfriends on NYE. I got a sitter, told her to bring over a friend or two. Ordered the kids pizza and had snacks for them, and they had a fun pajama party while I went out with my grown up friends.
For DAYS I stewed prior, wondering if I should just stay in with my kids…if I was a BAD MOM for even considering a night out. But then I realized, I’m a better mom to them when I’m better to me. I spend an inordinate amount of time for and with my kids…me time is OK too.
They raved about how much fun THEY had ringing in the New Year, and I smiled thinking about the fun I had too, knowing we are all no worse for the wear – in fact, we are all probably better off – for me choosing ME time.
It isn’t always easy, but if its lunch with a friend, an hour on the couch by myself here and there, or even just locking the bathroom door for a hot shower WITHOUT two kids having to go to the bathroom or need an argument resolved…I have to find the time. Otherwise I’d go insane.
I wouldn’t trade being a mom for anything, but one day these little birds of mine will fly, and not need my constant nurturing. I’d better remember how to spread my OWN wings when that time comes, or I’ll be one miserable person !
LivingWicked Reply:
January 5th, 2009 at 21:07
I am happy you picked YOU this NYE.
And, shower time is alone time in this house. I wish an Xavier would bother my shower time. Arguments wait til my ass is clean. And relaxed, dammit!
January 7th, 2009 at 12:20
I write…. to find myself…. I write…
I’ve been lost lately, so writing has helped…
And I just get quiet…
I have to… just to recharge…
bethany’s last blog post..Momma’s Boys – Chanukah and Christmas