Lost In MommyHood
Jan 4, 2009 Family, Parenting, Relationships, Thoughts and Perceptions
Does it happen? Losing yourself in your most important role ever? Absolutely.
When I first had X and stayed at home, I lost myself. I became angry and resentful of anyone and everyone who had more of a life than I did. Especially other moms who had regained their independence. It made me sad that I had lost my sense of independence and self confidence that was a huge part of my existence prior to conception.
It probably took me 2-3 years before I figured it out. It also took a defining point in my marriage before D realized how important it was for me to regain my independence and feeling of self worth again.
Many times we as mommies forget the fact that we are neglecting the simplest of needs because when the switch is flipped on… there is no turning it off again. (Don’t believe me? Ask anyone who knows me. I worry about many of my single friends as if they were my own kids. I cant help it. It just is what it is.) As I was saying, it is like something within us turns off when the internal mommy switch is turned on. I don’t think that the switch is a bad thing, it is just that it is hard to find the balance between our beautiful 2nd (sometimes 3rd) jobs as moms and our original awesome, independent selves.
Sometimes we just need to shut it off.
If you are in a committed relationship with someone, this is a huge part of staying healthy with one another. They need to know when you need to go. Even if ‘go’ means in the bathroom with a good book and a hot bath for 45 minutes, or if it means hopping in the car and finding a consignment store to blow $20. Whatever it is that mommy needs to do to regain her sense of self… is what mommy does.
A ‘woo-saw’ moment, if you will.
This requires the right amount of communication and middle ground possible with your partner. If they are unable to figure it out, and give you what it is that you need… especially if you are offering to give them the time that they need… (and probably already get, given the fact that they are men and do not have the same kind of switch mommies have.) If they are not able to give you that… there are deeper issues than this that need to be resolved.
If you are a single mommy… or if you feel as if you might as well be one… (which unfortunately is more often than not…) I suggest adjusting your mommy time to when your kids pass out or before they open their eyes and start their days. Plan for 30 minutes where you are not packing lunches or paying bills. Where you aren’t worrying about getting Brat 1 to soccer in time to drop Brat 2 at piano lessons. Set an alarm to remind yourself that this is “Anne” time. Not mommy time. Or, try to find another mommy in your similar predicament to swap duties with. Even if it is meeting the other mommy somewhere near the nail salon, and taking turns getting pedis while the other takes the kids to the park.
Here are some suggestions for regaining some of that individual energy:
Yoga/Meditation
Go for a walk.
Read.
Pick up an old hobby, or find a new one.
Take a class.
Take a long hot bath.
Join the gym
Pedis/Manis (if you are cash strapped, they sell fairly cheap pedi kits that are reusable.)
Call and catch up with friends.
See a movie.
Take a nap.
Go for a drive.
Have lunch with yourself or friends.
Masturbate.
GIRLS NIGHT!
The bottom line is that this time is uninterrupted time. Unless the house is burning to the ground or a child is on their way to the ER… they can be without you for a couple of hours.You need to train them to accept it. Mold their little brains (partner’s included) to just roll with the punches. Life goes on when you are not present and at the beck and call of those who think that they need you.
My last piece of mommy advice is that this needs to be consistant. You need to not wait until mommy melt-down to escape. Preventing the melt-down is key. The entire household dynamic will drastically improve. Sex life, mood, sleep, all of it will improve.
Even if you arent a mommy:
Have you ever felt lost from yourself?
What do you do to deflate and regain YOU again when you feel lost?
Tags: children, communication, hobby, indepenance, mommy, Parenting, role
