The Mother (in-law) Load.
Dec 10, 2008 Addiction & Recovery, Relationships, Thoughts and Perceptions
Raise your hand if you have one.
Raise your hand if you know of a friend or relative who has one.
Now. Raise your hand if you or your friend/relative’s expieriences are pleasant ones… most of the time.
I have a friend. She is one of my oldest, dearest friends in the whole world. She happens to have the mother in law from hell. I could tell you horror story upon horror story of the manipulation and gameplay that has commenced on a weekly… sometimes daily basis with this one.
I have another friend. She has a mother in law who is a loving caring woman. She respects boundaries, doesnt overstep into the fine lines that are drawn in the sand over parenting styles… her grandkids adore her… and for the most part, so does my friend. The problem is that she has a tendency to be flaky. This is not new information to my friend. In fact, if you asked this MIL, she would attest to her flaky ways.
Today, my friend wrote to me… partially in jest of the situation, but the other part angered. Here is what she wrote:
“We all know she is a great woman. We also all know that she has a problem. I tried to ask her to leave her debit card at home, and just take minimal cash with her to the casino. She, of course, refused… and went missing for 24 hours. No call, no nothing. She finally called me at 2:30 AM because she ‘was not having fun anymore.’ She wanted one of us to come pick her up. Of course He did… because that is his mom, but mostly because I simply did not have it in me at that hour to even acknowledge the reality or validity of this phone call. So He drove 40 minutes to this casino, where he found her sprawled on a bench in front of the entrance. He pretty much had to carry her to the car. Her and the liquor cabinet that she was carrying on her breath.
We, including my child, were all worried sick. I called hospitals and police stations… but in my heart I knew that she simply was being selfish. She was not hurt… she just didnt think to call. My mother in law literally lost track of 24+ hours.
Bottom line, I have lost respect for her. She has crossed the line, and what I have to say… she doesnt want to hear”
What does she do?
Does my friend have the right to say something to her about this incident?
Or is she to leave it to her son to handle?
Do you have an in-law-from-hell story?? Even if it isnt your own. I would love someone to top this.
Tags: alcohol, casino, drunk, hospital, in laws, lost track of time, money, respect, worry
December 10th, 2008 at 23:33
I can only say that I have worked with the ‘mother’ of all grandmothers/mother in laws…she had so many extremes it was painful! Loved I took excellent care of her jeweled grand babies…but made it clear to me I wasn’t a ‘real’ mother (like her) – so I couldn’t possibly be right about anything…
Man! That woman!
December 11th, 2008 at 00:30
[...] post by Living Wicked 10 December 2008 in Casino Orleans [...]
December 11th, 2008 at 03:28
Wow!!!!!
I have two MIL’s, thanks to the magic of divorce and remarriage. I like them both and have never had a problem THAT serious. A former SIL had to worry about my husband’s mom drinking; but life kinda caught up with that MIL and she seems to have stopped.
If I were in your friend’s shoes, I’d be worried about what she may do in the future; in regards to my son. What if she loses time while she is taking care of him? That would be enough to make me say something WITH my husband. Considering the politics, it would be better to created a united front when approaching her. Let her know that you both care equally; DH isn’t a puppet and feels as strongly about this problem as your friend does.
This is not “a little flaky.” This is a problem that has yet to fully explode.
December 11th, 2008 at 05:06
I had two mother in laws from hell. Both very manipulative, and controlling. Nothing I ever did or said was right. I was constantly told I was the wrong choice for their son, I wasn’t raising my children right, I was a bad mother/wife.
My first one tried to tell me that her son cheating on me was my fault. The second one tried to tell me his drug addiction and use was because I was feeding them to him. Bullshit on both counts.
I don’t know that I could top the story of your friend’s MIL simply because I have chosen to block out those years and try to forget them. They were very painful to go through, constant degrading of my character, personality, and personal values.
I see the first one every now and then when I drop off the kids to go see them. She acts like I was the best daughter in law now that the second one didn’t work out and guess what..left for the same reason I did. There’s no humor or glory in it for me though..I’d just like to forget her completely.
hope you have a great day today!
xoxoxo
December 11th, 2008 at 05:53
She could say something to her husband AND her MIL, but just like with any other addiction, until the MIL WANTS to change, it won’t do any good.
December 11th, 2008 at 09:22
In-law relations scare me.
I’d prolly talk to my husband and tell HIM my feelings, but leave the ultimate decision up to him. I’d be irritated if my SO presumed to take MY mother to task for something… so I would give them the same respect I would want… But that’s me – and I have no in laws – so really it’s just my $.02.
December 11th, 2008 at 13:51
I had a long two fold MIL story and this site slammed me down.
For your friend, she should speak to her husband, but not to the mom. I have seen and been around enough MIL stories of my own and encounters w/my mom and what went down with her and my brother’s wife to know that it’s best left to the two of them. Just as it would be left alone if a MIL knew something between the husband and wife. It would be OK for her to speak to her child *cautiously* but not her child’s spouse.
December 11th, 2008 at 14:55
She should tell her MIL how worried they all were. I would normally tell her to stay out of it and let her husband handle it, but since her child was worried too, then I think she has a right to at least say something. Losing track of someone that is alone, for 24 hours is so not a good thing! There are so many bad people out there and it’s just messed and scary that her flakiness could have turned out to be something much more serious.
PS~I liked your guest blog.
December 11th, 2008 at 17:58
heh.
December 12th, 2008 at 08:48
she needs to get on the same page about this with hubby, and then HE needs to deal with his mom.
i would say, bottom line is, if she’s not going to ‘keep in touch’ and keep them notified, then she can’t call for a rescue. MIL has a problem, and needs to deal. wife should only approach MIL if MIL brings it up to her, but it should not be discussed around ‘grankids’ so many issues there heh
i have tons of MIL stories. some you would not believe. i bet teri chelle and i could swap horror MIL stories all day long heh. I too have 2 ‘ex’ MIL’s. my current MIL is fabulous.
Lets see. Couple examples: ‘ex-MIL’ a few months after i married ‘her baby’, “discovered” (like i hid it) that oldest (at 18 months old) was mixed, and informed ‘her baby’ “that nigger ain’t good enough to have you for a dad, you need to up and leave her NOW” yeah… good times followed…
‘ex-step-mom-in-law’ different woman, when i’m feeling froggy i refer to her as “the woman that married the father of my dead ex husband”
ex-SMIL tends to have a very high standard.. a ‘city-fied’ view of whats best/right for kids today. when i lived where the kids had acres of land and woods to play in (and boy they did)… she mentioned there was no ‘culture’.. museums, parks, for the children, nothing for them to DO.. etc. she is very.. ’society’ minded, i guess you could say. and i’m .. notsomuch. lol
December 13th, 2008 at 09:35
My little Mexican mother in law is somewhere in between heavenly and hellish. There was once a time when I couldn’t stand her. I stood up to her and that was it. She seemed to respect me for for it because…I don’t know, maybe she saw something of herself in me that day when I defended myself?
I say if this has happened more than once and/or in different formats then she is justified in speaking her mind. Perhaps her MIL is acting out for attention. Is she lonely? No matter what though remember that this is your husband’s mother and he will love her in some degree no matter what she does.
December 15th, 2008 at 11:17
My former MIL (former, thank GOD, no pun intended with what I’m about to say)…. was EVANGELICAL.
We would get sermons on tape for Christmas.
Thank God that woman is out of my life.
As for the MIL situation above? My recommendation is, if this was a one-time incident, let it go and forgive. If it’s a reoccurring theme? It’s something that should be discussed, calmly… with all adult parties concerned. Meaning, husband, wife, and MIL should sit down and have a discussion about these situations. Husband and wife should discuss the meeting beforehand, and the husband should do most of the talking, with both wife and MIL listening.
That’s what should happen in an ideal world. Now whether it will or not, depends on a lot of factors…