Check It Out

What better to write about on WTF Wednesday than the downhill evolution (devolution?) of a creepy doll?

There are a lot of people that are worried about the effect that Barbie dolls might have on the body image issues and self-esteem of little girls. By now, we all know that Barbie would have to be 7′2″ to have the same proportions as a human that she owns as a doll, and there are many who are disturbed by her eternally plastic grin and those feet that are bent into the shape of high heels.

Personally, I think the stick-thin celebrities and glossy magazine covers that scream “YOU NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT NOW, FATTY MCUGLYPANTS!” are far more damaging, but regardless of where you stand on the Barbie issue, there’s a new bad girl in town. Move over, Barbie – Bratz has you beat in triplicate.

The original Bratz doll was worrying enough in its own right. Here’s an image of one of the first Bratz dolls to hit the market:
Remember being worried about Barbie being too thin? This doll’s waist is literally the same size around as her WRIST. Really healthy. Never mind the fact that her legs are twice as long as they should be for her torso size, and her lips are larger than her breasts. She’s also presumably school-age judging by the backpack she carries, and I don’t think any parent really wants their school-age girl going out in five-inch (comparably) platform heels and showing the majority of her midsection.

I’m one of the last people that will ever say we should be censoring the world from children, but I do find these dolls disturbing. Let’s take a look at those shoes. Have you ever seen shoes like that in the real world that weren’t on stage? Don’t get me wrong here, I like Vegas strippers and all the footwear the image entails, but not for little girls, please?

The thing is, it gets worse. This is a sampling of what I saw in the stores at Christmas time:

Let’s not even mention the weird body proportions, since we already covered that with the regular Bratz Dolls. What I think is creepy here is that these are obviously supposed to be babies and toddlers, as evidenced by their accessories. (Unless, of course, they’re trying to tell you that it’s fine for an older girl to ride in a stroller and carry around a baby bottle, which is possibly even weirder than what they ARE propagating.) I don’t know about you, but I am disturbed by the idea of babies wearing eyeshadow and lipstick.

And as for the Bratz Babyz (Ugh, and they blame the internet for the shitty way kids spell these days? At least the internet has spell-checking built into most sites) wedding set… Can’t we just let kids be kids without shoving relationships and marriage down their throats from the second they come out of the womb?

Now, I do give kids credit. I seriously doubt that most kids are going to look at a Bratz doll and say “Oh no, I’m ugly, my eyes aren’t the size of my fists!” but it is one more block in the foundation we’re laying for children. What are they supposed to think, when magazine covers feature Lindsay Lohan photoshopped into having the same garish proportions as their lipstick-wearing dolls?

Thoughts?

Welcome to the first installment of my new weekly blog feature, WTF Wednesdays. Today we’re going to start with a guessing game.

So, can you guess what this is a picture of?

If you guessed that it’s a close-up image of a Pocket Rocket Personal Vibrator….

… you’re wrong! The picture is actually a new cosmetics product from Olay. It’s supposed to smooth out eye wrinkles. Don’t believe me?

Here’s the new Olay product:

Really, Olay? Really? I don’t care what they’re calling it, I’m writing it off as the first time I’ve seen a vibrator commercial on basic cable.

’cause if I did, I couldn’t be having a Harry Potter themed sleepover this weekend.

Yeah, that’s right. I’m almost 24 years old and I am totally having a Harry Potter themed weekend. Jaime is coming up to my corner of MA from RI Saturday morning and then the geekiness will commence.

She’s going to be making and posting a vlog about the weekend, and hopefully under her guidance I’ll post my first vlog, too.

I should warn you though, things might get pretty intense. You see, Jaime is a Gryffindor girl at heart, and I’m definitely more of a Slytherin. I can’t help it, I’m just devious and ambitious like that. Plus, I’m kind of a chickenshit, which doesn’t really fly with that “brave and daring” bit.

Anyway, Quidditch-related brawls aside (ha), on the agenda we have: watching all 6 currently released HP movies in a row, making butterbeer, and baking brownies and then cleverly diguising them as Cauldron Cakes.

I know it’s completely nerdy and more than a little childish, and I also DON’T GIVE A HIPPOGRIFF’S ASS, because I love Harry Potter and I’m not ashamed. Kiss my green-and-silver clad ass if you have a problem with it!

Oh, and we will also be enjoying the fine musical talents of Harry and the Potters and Draco and the Malfoys \m/

10. Frivolous lawsuits, like the guy that sued an entire town’s small businesses claiming they weren’t handicapped accessible, even though he hadn’t actually visited all of the businesses he was suing, and it turns out most of them WERE handicapped accessible.

9. People who don’t pick up their dogs’ shit, like my next-door-neighbors. If you want to own a dog, you have to clean up its poop, okay? I do NOT own a dog, because I do NOT want to clean up its poop. So why do I still have to clean up dog poop off my walkway again?

8. People who pay for their groceries with a welfare card, but have a brand-new Escalade with spinning rims or a lowered Nissan Z. (I’m talking about you, half the population of Webster!)

7. Children under 12 that define themselves as part of a certain religion. You’re not even old enough to understand what youre religion stands for, let alone all of the terrible things your religion has almost undoubtedly caused people to do. I’m not actually mad AT the children, though, I’m mad at their parents for brainwashing them.

6. Buying something at a store that says “Returns must be in the condition they were bought in”, and then as soon as you get it home, it breaks and you can’t return it, because now it’s not in the same condition it was purchased in.

5. The taboo against swearing. They’re just fucking words, it’s the meanings that people associate with them that can be hurtful, and if I’m not applying one of those words in a hurtful way against you, then what’s your fucking problem? If my car won’t start I’m going to say “This fucking blows!”, and if you tell me I can’t, I’ll say “This seriously displeases me,” and then I’ll punch you in the face. For not letting me vent properly. GRR.

4. The fact that churches are tax-exempt organizations, even though we supposedly have a separation of church and state, and the Catholic church has more money than any other person or organization in the world. I realize it costs a lot of money to cover up all those sexual abuse scandals, but surely they can start paying their share of taxes now that the country’s economy is in such dire straits?

3. Stubbing my toe. ‘Nuff said.

2. People who abuse the ADA and get money from the government because they “had difficulty with … keeping track of money and bills, preparing meals, doing light housework… and using the telephone” Seriously? I never do hosuework and I misdial the telephone all the time. Do I get money now? I am all for helping those who truly need it, but I’ve known so many people who get disability checks that clearly could be working. Being lazy is not a disability. If it was, I’d never have to work again.

And finally, the number 1 thing that pisses me off:

1. Being woken up on the mornings when I could actually sleep in by some asshole telemarketer, even though I’m clearly on the Do Not Call List. Apparently, it is OK for a company with whom you already do business to call you at all hours of the day and try to sell you MORE stuff. If I wanted Charter Telephone, I would have it already, and I would NOT have called you at 7:30 in the morning to order it!!

So… what pisses YOU off? Venting is therapeutic, you know!

So most of us have a pretty decent idea of when something we say or do is generally socially acceptable or not, right? For example, you wouldn’t normally walk up to a stranger and punch them in the face, or flip your neighborhood sexy librarian the bird, would you? (Your answer to that one better be no, or I’ll walk up to you and punch you in the face.)

So what do you do when someone else completely flouts those rules, and leaves you in a position where you have to react to something you’re not sure how to handle?

Today I went out to lunch, and I had just such an experience at the restaurant. I had just receieved my plate with a grilled cheese sandwich and french fries (I love the Kids’ Menu. I will never stop ordering the under-12 specials. NEVER!) when this elderly woman, who has been sitting kitty-corner from me, but whom I haven’t been paying much attention to, comes out of the bathroom. She takes her seat again, and all of a sudden starts talking to me. Now, I’m a pretty friendly person, so naturally I answered.

She said, “Boy, that looks good. What is it?” Now, most people can identify a grilled cheese sandwich and french fries in a single glance, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. “It’s a grilled cheese sandwich with french fries,” I said. I didn’t even talk with my mouth full, because I am polite and aware of social etiquette like that.

“It sure looks good,” she repeated, “Can I have some?” And then her hand started reaching for my plate. Bear in mind I have never seen this woman in my life, AND she had just come out of a public bathroom!

“Uhm,” I managed intelligently, “No.”

I sort of thought she was kidding, because she looked like a perfectly respectable, slightly awkward elderly lady — you know, the kind that always asks you how school was, even when you’re twenty-three?

“Oh come on,” the lady said, inching her fingers closer to my plate, “I just want a few. No, just one. Just that little french fry right there. Can I take it?”

“Uhm, no,” I repeated, certain I could still hear the toilet flushing behind me. “Come on,” the woman said again, “You’re really not gonna let me have a french fry?”

When I shook my head again, she finally gave up, and decided to amuse herself by asking the waitress for more sugar packets, which she then proceeded to stuff into her pockets.

The worst part was when I had about ten french fries left and I was totally full, and I had to force myself to eat those last 10 french fries, because I totally knew the lady would call me out for not sharing otherwise.

The whole amusing episode made me think, though. Generally, there are accepted responses to all sorts of situations, but what do you do when a situation comes up that you’re not prepared for? How do you handle someone else’s faux pas? Normally, I just roll with it, but when it comes to someone wanting to put their fingers in my food, I totally have to draw the line!

Now share with me (ha)! Have you ever had to deal with with someone else’s total lack of comprehension of what’s socially acceptable and what’s not? What did you do?

OK class! Time for show-and-tell! I want to hear about the craziest, weirdest dream you’ve ever had.

I’ve had a lot of really strange dreams, but I think this one I had a few weeks ago takes the cake. I’ve forgotten some of the details, but I’ll try to give you the gist of it.

So I was working as a security screening agent in an airport. For some reason, part of my job duties required that, in between looking at X-Rayed images of baggage, I had to go into a room filled with bureaus and dressers and clean them with a lint roller. I was performing just such a duty when someone called my name to come back out to screening. I set the lint roller down on the floor, and blood started pouring out of it! I freaked out and hid it in one of the drawers, and went out to start scanning bags.

The next passenger I had to scan was a midget, and he had a speech impediment, and seemed… well, simple. Mentally handicapped? Whatever, I’ll come out with it: He was a retarded midget. He stood on his tiptoes and told me that he knew my secret. He then revealed that the lint roller was actually… get ready… a midget Japanese ambassador in disguise, on an undercover mission.

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Shouldn’t she have realized, at this point, that it was a dream?” And the answer is, yes, I absolutely should have. But I didn’t. Instead, I freaked out. Then the midget (the one I hadn’t inadvertantly killed) said he would keep my secret if I quit my job as a screening agent and became a maid for the airport instead. I agreed to his terms, but the guilt weighed on me. Especially since that blackmailing midget seemed to be flying in or out every day, and he always dropped some hint about what I had done. Eventually, I came to a double conclusion: that I couldn’t live with the guilt of what I had done, and that the midget was too retarded to keep my secret for long, anyway.

So, I called Japan on a pay phone, and miraculously, the Emperor or whatever they have over there answered! I told him what had happened, and he told me…

Not to worry about it, because the lint-roller-midget-ambassador was going to be executed anyway, because he had had an illegal abortion a few months ago.

And that, folks, was the craziest, weirdest dream I ever had! Now it’s your turn.

I’ve decided on a new monthly feature. Each month, I’m going to highlight one author that I have read and list books that read similar to that author’s books. There are a lot of websites out there that try to do this, but most of the time, the person compiling the list hasn’t actually read all of the books they are recommending. I have personally read all of the books that I will list, and I will explain how they are similar to the focal author, as well as how they differ, and offer my LibraryGrrrl ™ ratings from 1 – 5 Library Cards (they’re like stars, but geekier.)!

If you like: dark fantasy, sci-fi, romance, horror, fantasy-thrillers

This month’s author is Anne Bishop. She is the author of 12 and counting fantasy/romance books for adults. Her most famous works are the Black Jewels Sequence, beginning with the original trilogy and continuing from there with several new standalone books set in the same world. Altogether, she has created three distinct fantasy worlds as settings for her novels. Her books are often dark at the outset, but with happy endings. Her novels often center on taut, conflict-laden relationships between men and women, both individually and as a society in the worlds she has created. There is always an element of romance, with a sweet or bittersweet ending.

Black Jewels Books (Realms of the Blood) (3.5/5 Library cards) The world exists as three realms side-by-side: Terreille, a land dominated by the vicious control of power-hungry witches, Kaeleer, the shadow-realm populated by the kindred, a race of animals with human thought-levels and their trusted companions, and Hell, the dark realm where the spirits of those who have passed congregate. In this dark fantasy series, witches, warlords, warlord princes, queens and healers are selectively gifted with gems that contain reserves of power, with each color representing a different depth of power. Terreille’s selfish and power-hungry rulers are no longer content in ruling their own realm, and begin spreading a culture of slavery, torture, and permissible rape throughout the realms, and it’s up to Jaenelle, a powerful and long-awaited witch and her warlord-prince consort Daemon to stop it.

List of Books in Black Jewels Series:

1. Daughter of the Blood
2. Heir to the Shadows
3. Queen of the Darkness
4. The Invisible Ring
5. Dreams Made Flesh
6. Tangled Webs
7. The Shadow Queen

Tir Alainn Trilogy (3/5 Library Cards)Humans are watched over by the Fae, who exist in a realm above the clouds that can be reached by crossing one of several spirit bridges. When the bridges start disappearing though, the Fae take a closer interest in the world below to discover that those who guard and keep the bridges are systematically being hunted and killed for practicing witchcraft. Long considered by many of the Fae to be simply interesting toys to watch, the humans suddenly become critical to the way of life of the Fae, and the two races must join forces to save both their worlds.

The Tir Alainn Trilogy:

1. The Pillars of the World
2. Shadows and Light
3. The House of Gaian

Ephemera Duology (4/5 Library cards) Ephemera is a land shattered into pieces to protect it from the dark and vicious eater of the Worlds. Instead of one cohesive world, Ephemera exists as a series of landscapes joined separated from each other. Each landscape must be tended and guarded by someone, and one can only travel to landscapes that resonate closely with what is contained in their own heart. Still locked away for as long as anyone can remember is the Eater of the Worlds a dark force, disconnected from all other landscapes — until a student unwittingly frees it, allowing it to draw prey into its twisted landscape. Only two people have the power to stop it: Belladonna, the infamous Landscaper credited with creating some of the darkest landscapes of Ephemera, and her cousin Sebastian, a feared incubus.

The Ephemera Duology:

1. Sebastian
2. Belladonna

LIBRARY CARD RATINGS EXPLAINED: I’ve rated each series according to its overall readability, interest, and depth of storytelling. All of her books are engaging and entertaining if nothing else, although the Tir Alainn books can be dull during a few places in the narrative. The Black Jewels books are extremely dark, incorporating themes of rape and child abuse, and may be difficult for some readers to stomach. Overall, I like the Ephemera Duology best, because it contains the most relatable and interesting characters, and the thematic elements are interesting and not overdone or overused.

Anne Bishop Read-alikes: If you have read Anne Bishop’s books and would like to read other books that are similar in nature, I recommend the following:

Sharon Shinn writes several fantasy series, all of which have a romantic element and a good vs evil fantasy theme. These books are far, far less graphic than Anne Bishop’s, and are recommended for readers who like the involving, psychologically complex world of Anne Bishop, but felt that the violent and sexual elements were hard to handle. I’d recommend starting with her Samaria series, which centers on a world where angels live among humans and serve as a mouthpiece for the people to the god, Jovah. There’s a lot of tasteful romance, and it’s better than it sounds. The series begins with Archangel.

Total rating: 3/5 Library Cards

Maria V. Snyder writes a series of sci-fi/fantasy books all set in the same world. the world is divided into two territories: Ixia, a military dictatorship where everyone wears uniforms according to their station in life, and Sitia, a land where almost everyone has magical abilities, each slightly different from everyone else’s. With Sitia relying on magic and Ixia despising it, the circumstances are perfect for a war to develop, unless someone can find the way to keep the peace.

Snyder’s books so far consist of one complete trilogy and one in-progress trilogy, both set in the same world. The entire series of books is rife with conflict, cliff-hangers and surprise plot twists. There is so much impending danger, and the characters seem to handle it so well, in fact, that at times the story becomes a bit unbelievable, even for fantasy, especially the further into the series you get. There are strong sexual and violent themes, although not quite as detailed or exaggerated as in Bishop’s books.

The very first book in the first trilogy, however, is a very good book that actually works as a standalone better than it fits into the series, in my opinion. In the first book, Yelena is imprisoned in Ixia for murder and is offered a chance to escape death – by being a food taster for the Commander. She is poisoned from the outset and must return every day to get the antidote, and then she is trained to recognize poisons by taste and smell in order to protect the Commander’s life. This book, which I reccomend more highly than any of her others, is called Poison Study.

Rating for first novel: (4/5 Library Cards)

Rating for series as a whole: (2.5/5 Library Cards)

That’s it for today’s installment! Hopefully I’ve given someone a good lead as to what they should read next. Remember that although some of these ratings appear low (2.5/5 for example) my rating scale isn’t like everyone else’s, in that I’m only rating things that I would actually recommend to people, and then am rating them against each other. Things that I don’t like and wouldn’t recommend don’t even get a Library card rating, so something that’s 1 Library Card isn’t something I wouldn’t recommend – it’s just something I’d recommend only as a slightly entertaining, fast read.

I know I haven’t blogged in months, and I even expressed that I probably wouldn’t again, but lately I’ve had a lot of things I want to write down, and they seem like blog fodder, so here’s my final try at this blogging thing. I don’t want to write everything in one entry and never come back and write again so I’ll try to keep it short for now, and stick to one theme – commuting. You know, to work, or school, or the strip club, or whatever suits your fancy.

I’ve been thinking, for many people who live with their partners or families that driving your car is one of the few places/times you actually get to be totally alone. You’re in your own little bubble, and no one can see you except a few kids in another motorists’ backseat, and having them make faces at you is half the fun anyway.

There’s a feeling of freedom associated with being in your car alone, too, I think. Your intended destination is work, but do you really have to go there? Of course you should, but are the forces of nature going to compel you to keep driving towards your workplace? That’s one of the beautiful things about driving by yourself – you can decide, at any point, to turn onto pretty much any road and just go somewhere else. Even nowhere in particular! Will you? Probably not, but it might just be enough that you can.

Myself, I work two jobs during my commute. Sometimes I’m a rock star, singing along to the CDs in my car with a passion that probably makes me look like a lunatic to all those backseat kids. Well, fuck them, they all have DVD players back there these days, what are they looking at me for?

The other thing I do in my car is ponder. I guess everyone does this, but sometimes I come up with the weirdest things while I’m driving. I’ll share a few from the last couple of weeks:

You know how they say you should dress for the job you want? Does that mean that all of the girls at the strip club really want to be teachers and firefighters? What if you work in an office, but you really want to be a baseball team mascot? Should you sit in your cubicle with a giant frog suit on?

And don’t act like you’ve never wondered about this one: You know how when you really have to fart, and you try to push it out, and you get like increased pressure in your head and stuff? Does that actually raise your blood pressure, and if so, has anyone ever given themselves a stroke or a heart attack by pushing out a fart too hard?

Can people who actually have full-time jobs use alli to lose weight? Because my understanding of how it works is that it keeps you on the toilet all day long. Is it really worth it to anyone? I would rather be fat than spend all day pooping, thanks.

Why are all Jersey barriers (you know, the big ol’ cement road blocks at construction sites and along soime highways) white? Are they just white because that’s the color that’s made by mixing all the different types of cement or whatever together? Or are they made white deliberately, so that crash scene investigators can look at them and see paint deposits left behind after an accident and try to figure out what happened? Also, did they really originate in New Jersey, or are there just so many of them there that they got the nickname?

That’s all I’ll share for now, but I want to hear from others! What do you do during your morning commute?

… just about sums it up, right? Yeah, that’s what I thought. I know, I KNOW. I am totally not the greatest in the world at actually updating my blog. It’s not really for lack of thigns to say, it’s for lack of wanting to sit at home and actually turn my computer on, and I totally have an explanation for that! See, every time I sit at home on my computer, I look up at the clock and all of a sudden hours have gone by, and I have this weird hollow feeling like I wasted the day. Me exposed to the internet is kind of like a crack addict locked in a bathroom stall with a toilet seat lined with coke. (I’m assuming they still do it off toilet seats. I wouldn’t know from experience, I’ve just seen a lot of specials on E! and HBO.)

So yeah, I do have a lot to say, cumulatively and on a daily basis. Whether or not anyone is actually interested in what I have to say…. well, I entertain myself at least!

There’s a lot I could talk about in this, my hopefully-returning-to-blogging post (I’m resolved; but I’m also resolved to lose weight and here I am drinking a 200-calorie martini, and I’m resolved to read a life-changing book and I’m listening to The Princess Diaries Volume IX in my car on the way to work. I’m really not a resolution kind of girl, am I?). So what should I talk (er, blog?) about? The litany of strange daily occurances I’ve experienced lately, like someone stealing my breakfast at the drive through, or the neighbors’ car being repossessed in the middle of the night while it was parked behind three other cars, causing the tow truck to have to move ALL FOUR CARS with loud backup ights at 4am when I’m just innocently trying to get my beauty sleep? Or should I discuss the various enlightening revelations I’ve had in the recent months, all of them leading to making me overall a happier and more well-rounded person? Like that it’s totally okay to be a dork sometimes, eyerolls of passerby aside? Or that I don’t need my mother’s approval, when I don’t personally approve of many of her choices or actions, either? Or that it takes more than contact lenses and a dye job to make a girl pretty – it’s all in confidence? Thing is, I think every girl gets these revelations at some point, and I’m probably even a little behind the game, so maybe it’s not quite what I want to go into right now.

No, I think the appropriate blog here should be on theme. Yeah, that’s right. It’s time to check out this sexy librarian’s wacky tales of debauchery and madness within Carnegie’s confines! And let me tell you (that’s right, bitches. The librarian began a sentence with a conjunction), there have been an awful lot of crazy goings-on at the library lately.

Since I’m pretty certain I could lose my job going into too much identifiable detail and get caught by someone at work (totally possible, since my work apparently has it’s own facebook AND twitter page), I’ll have to change some names and be a bit vague in descriptions, but you’ll get the idea, I hope.

I think it’s important to inform one and all, by the way, that no longer must I, a seemingly alienated individual, in that I am sexy and also a librarian, truly as alone as I had once thought! For lo! and behold! A place has been made with people just like me in mind. This place exists in Las Vegas, and it’s totally where I’m applying to if I ever get laid off. (PS: I am totally kidding. I would never work there. They don’t allow alcohol to be served.)

By now, I know you’re dying to learn what sort of goings-on have been happening in the stacks. There are, of course, the usual suspects – those that practically die of shock when I ask for their library card to check out items (Do you think we just give them out as effing souvenirs?!), those that use the library lobby as their own real live match.com (“Let me carry those books for you, ma’am. I’m divorced by the way. Was that subtle? I was going for subtle and suave, if you can’t tell by my extremely debonair mullet.”), and those that cannot grasp the concept of overdue fines (“I returned it, didn’t I? You never SAID it had to be devoid of animal debris! And I thought the due date was a suggestion, like the date on the side of the milk carton. Don’t you get a week’s grace period, or something?”). Yes, I could talk about any one of those things, but I think instead, I’ll devote the rest of today’s blog to: Summer Reading.

Ah, Summer Reading. The entire gorgeous, responsibility-free summer stretching ahead of our nation’s youth, who all along have only longed to be temporarily free of vocabulary tests, key terms, and PA announcements about today’s lunch choices. Then, without fail, on the last day of school, cruel and unfeeling teachers ruin the entire summer break by giving out — HOMEWORK.

Wait, hold on. I’m a librarian. I should be extolling the virtues of summer reading programs, right? Weeeellll… yes and no. I’m all for reading – I’m involved in a years-long love affair with books that I don’t see any near end to, but I’m not at all a fan of Venn Diagrams about characters’ responses to the developing plot, or whatever it is kids today are supposed to be pulling out of their asses on the last day before school starts again. Because let’s face it, that’s how it goes. Every single student, ever, in a school where some kind of summer reading journal was due, stayed up late the night before school started finishing it. Unless you were like me, and you passed it in a month late. Did anyone’s teacher ever actually read any of these summer reading packets? Why would they?

I just don’t see the point of assigned reading, I guess. Reading should be its own reward, right? You should do it because you want to do it, not because you’re going to fail English if you don’t pass in some bullshitted three-page paper about the foreshadowing implied by Miss Haversham’s spiderweb-adorned wedding cake. Who decided which books were going to be classics, anyway? I mean, Charles Dickens was his era’s Dear Penthouse, only far less racy and no fun to read. His novels weren’t’ actually published in novel form originally; they were printed piece by piece in weekly newspapers, and he got paid by the word. And The Scarlet Letter? Who are we kidding? This is a Harlequin romance with a dash of Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God thrown in for good measure.

Why can’t today’s educators realize – reading isn’t about finding some cliched literary devices embedded (by chance or design – that’s still up for debate in my eyes. I kind of think of literary analysis in a similar manner to astrology – it’s there if you choose to see it there) in ancient, dated works. It’s about finding something that engages you, either by speaking to you on a deeper level, or by simply sweeping you away, briefly, into another place and time.

Forcing kids to read things they aren’t the least bit interested in is not the way to foster a love for reading. It’s true that a lot of what’s been written should absolutely be read by today’s students for historical value and a lot of other reasons, but save that for the classroom when school is in session. A lot of what I was forced to read in high school (The Autobigraphy of Malcolm X, The Jungle, etc) would have been better suited to history or sociology classes, and foisting them off on youngsters as prime examples of the ubiquitous “literature” is just unfair. The beauty of true literature is that it can speak to anyone in a completely different way from anyone else, and some of the “classics” just won’t speak to everyone.

I’m not saying that people shouldn’t read the classics, per se, I’m just saying maybe “the classics” needs to be redefined for a modern age. Besides that, don’t force all that into summer vacation. Summer is a time for enjoyment, and reading an assigned book really is just like homework. Is skimming the Cliff’s Notes for Rebecca really all that much better than reading a Gossip Girl novel? So much of “the classics” are deemed as such only because of the antiquated language and history lessons found within. I truly don’t see a measurable difference between Nabokov’s Lolita and Anita Shreve’s Fortune’s Rocks besides the setting and the language. Shouldn’t the true exploration of literature be about exploring its evolution and messages, not re-reading the same dusty old manuscripts over and over again? If you want to reach today’s generation, then do it in words that today’s generation will actually want to read.

I was always an avid reader, and during the course of any summer while I was in school, I read easily as many as a hundred books. I might have actually read, cover to cover, a total of three assigned summer reading books. because, quite frankly, they sucked. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m sure they were good for their time, but there are hundreds of modern books that have messages just as captivating as those found in the forever dredged-up classics, and I’d rather read those, thanks.

Now, my viewpoints about forcing kids to read books 90% of them won’t even bother to finish because of the unfamiliar and unwieldy language might be a bit tempered by my own experiences with these books, but also by my recent experiences as a librarian.

Every day, dozens of sour-faced teenagers and pouty children stomp into the library, looking for all the world as if they’re heading to the gas chamber. I don’t even offer my ever-cheerful and oft-weary “Can I help you?” anymore, because I already know what these stony-faced warriors are after: Their summer reading lists. So, with the air of one strapping on war gear, I pass them a copy of the list, and get ready to take cover.

“War and Peace? I don’t want to read that crap!”

“Is Anna Karenina appropriate for my daughter? We’re a very conservative family.”

“Is Harry Potter on the reading list?”

“Can I have The Scarlet Letter? The movie, not that lame book thing.”

So I lace up my combat boots (figuratively, alas) and head into the dusty, musty stacks, where I sredge up piles and piles of “the classics”, some with modly, moth-eaten covers and some in fresh-looking paperback editions that are meant to appeal to today’s generation, only they’re all able to see through the perky marketing to the boring, laborious works of ‘literature’ between the covers.

Some parents roll their eyes right along with their kids, bemoaning that their children should be required to actually put their faces into something that isn’t a) a television or b) another teenager, but the majority of them just sort of look at me pleadingly, like it’s my cue to jump in with “Moby Dick was one of my favorite books! You’ll love it, just wait!”

Only, I can’t say that, because, to be quite truthful, I never read past the first ten pages of Moby Dick, because who would, given the choice? Does this make me a bad librarian? Probably. But I’m only being honest and realistic. While you might find a handful of people who can still appreciate these old tomes, the majority of kids are just going to head over to sparknotes.com the day before school resumes. I say let the kids read Jodi Picoult or Nora Roberts if that’s what they choose to do — at least they’re reading, which is saying more than I can say for the current summer reading program.

1. Who is your least favorite cartoon character?

This is a tough choice. I’ve always hated Bugs Bunny, but I have to say, my least favorite of all time is Jubilee from X-Men. She was always so annoying, with her useless little power, that was basically making confetti, but yet she always thought she was a superhero. Also, she looked a lot like a lesbian. Not a cute lesbian that I would snuggle and kiss, but one of those lesbians that is only a lesbian until she can afford the gender reassignment surgery. Which is all well and good, except if you’re a superhero. It’s kind of traditional for superheroes to be excellent specimens of their gender. There is no room for androgyny in the X-Men, Jubilee! *shakes fist*
2. There was a gun to your head and you only had two choices to save your own brains: shave your head or lick the floor in a public bathroom?

Well, it depends on the specific circumstances. How close to my head is the gun? How much time do I have? ‘Cause, I’m afraid my hands would shake if I was trying to shave my head, because I’d be so nervous, and I might cut my head open. That being said, hair will always grow back, so I’d probably choose to shave my head. Although if it was just one quick lick that was required, and then I could down a bottle of mouthwash, I might do it. If I had to lick the entire floor or something, then call me Baldie!
3. Do you prefer a man to wear boxers or briefs?

Boxers, all the way. Tighty-whities don’t look good on any man that I’ve ever met. Even if they have a good body, briefs make them look like they’re still in high school or something. Like Mommy picks out their underwear.
4. If you could be a man for a day, what is it that you would like to experience in that 24 hours? I agree with Jaime. I’d have sex with a woman, to see what exactly makes them want it all the time.
5. If you never had to listen to one song ever again, what would it be? OMG no contest. So long, “I Shot the Sheriff!”

Some extras that you may want to replace with any of the above if you don’t like em or can answer as well if you are feeling keen!

6. What do you want to be when you “grow up”? Can I still say Princess, or am I too old for that now?
7. If you had to give up either sight or hearing to save the world, which would it be and why? Hearing. I wouldn’t be able to live if I couldn’t read! And paint! And draw! And write!
8. Without looking, what color are your toenails painted?  Now look at them.  Were you correct? I don’t think they are painted. Nope, they’re not.
9. If you could commit any crime once without suffering the consequences, what would it be? Stealing a billion dollars.
10. Which deceased famous person you would bring back from the netherworld and why? Laura Ingals Wilder. I’ve always wished she could see what the world developed into, and I’ve always wanted to see her reactions. She was such a simple country girl, I bet she’d shit herself.

The rules: (to be put at the end of your post, answering the above questions!)

1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. (I get to pick the questions).
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.