TMI Thursday: Call Me Wounded Butt

This is quite possibly the most painful, embarrassing and invasive TMIT I’ve ever written. (Yes, including the sex ones.) I’m sure you guys remember by “Losing my Butt-Ginity” blog, which raised the question whether or not I have ‘roids…and I do. Internal. They’ve never really been an issue until last week when I began to experience extreme pain due to a swelling in…that area. Hoping that it’d go away on its own…I dealt with it.

Last weekend, it got REALLY bad, to the point it was painful to even lie down on my STOMACH…there was absolutely no relief from the pain…but I thought that the swelling was going down. In fact, on Tuesday, by the time I got to work, the pain really wasn’t that bad…and yes, the swelling had decreased in size.

Around 1:45 on Tuesday, I put my lunch in the microwave and went to the bathroom to pee. I felt an odd wetness on my actual buttock and realized that it was coming from the actual swelling. Noticing that my entire right butt cheek was red, I panicked. I walked straight into my HR manager’s office, told her I had to go to the ER and got in a cab. Meanwhile, texting the Boy (Who is a g-d saint btw) and trying not to completely freak out about the fact that the swelling might burst at any moment.

Did I mention I hate hospitals?

After about a 2 hour wait, I was finally taken to the patient area and put on a cot. It took about another 45 minutes before the doctor to come and tell me that it wasn’t my ‘roids…but it was understandable that I was confused because of the proximity of the swelling to…the area.

Oh no. I had a cyst. A big one. On.my.butt. (Correct term: Pilonidal)

Mine was actually closer to the rectum, and bigger in size. A lot bigger.

“This is actually half the size it was last week.”
“What? OK, we have to take care of this right away. Wait until we can get a private room for you.”

Right away meant another hour. By this time, I was feeling faint from the pain and the lack of food…I’m pretty sure I passed out for about 20 minutes. By this point, my phone was also dead. Finally, the physician’s assistant comes in, tells me that I now have to walk to a private room with my now bloody behind so she can drain it.

“We’re going to numb the area.”

Numbing the area meant 4 shots of anesthesia around the cyst. Four…PAINFUL…shots.

“OK…relax…”
Shot goes in, I cry in pain, clench my butt.
“You have to relax.”
“OK OK” *unclench…breathe…cry…
next shot goes in…clench*
“You’re doing good, just relax.”
And repeat.

Then she proceeded to drain the cyst…also showing surprise that this is actually half the size that it was all last week. It took her about 15 minutes to do that…all the while chatting me up…also telling me that this was the third time she’s had to do the same procedure that day.

Halfway through the procedure: “It’s even starting to smell better.”

Wow.

After she was done, she put on dressing on the wound and told me to come back Thursday morning so they can take a look at it. As I was getting dressed, I told her that she had dropped a gauze pad on the floor.

“How’d I get it all the way over there?”
“Well, I have a big butt.”
“I didn’t say it.”

And she walked out. I limped out of the ER where I just spent 4.5 hours of my life to get on the metro to go home. My boyfriend the saint came over later that night, around the time the painkillers kicked in to watch a movie with me.

I was still bleeding the next day.

Honestly, I’ll take the ‘roids over what I just went through any day.

When I walked into the house after my ordeal, I looked at my roomies and said “Let’s not talk about what just happened to me ever again…” then proceeded to tell them…and laughed along with them because how else can I deal through my pain?

And I just told all…of you.

Thanks to my lovely LiLu, I’ve become desensitized to shame…and though she is the TMI Queen, I think I can safely take the crown for the Butt Queen…at least for now.

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Tagged as: 4 hour wait, anesthesia, emergency room, needles, pilonidal cyst, shots, tmi thursday, tmit, wounded butt